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Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
January 6, 2017
December 9, 2016
December 7, 2016
Encounter With Santa
I went to get some water yesterday evening, but the Culligan store
had suffered some vandalism and the vending machine was boarded up. I
drove out to the water kiosk in the mall parking lot to use that one,
then after I was done, decided I'd get some gasoline at the station at the entrance to
Walmart.
While I was pumping my gas, a van drove up next to me and Santa Claus got out! I told him "Hey, man! Why haven't you been to see me lately? It's been over 40 yrs.!"
He looked up from putting the gas nozzle in his tank and wryly said:
While I was pumping my gas, a van drove up next to me and Santa Claus got out! I told him "Hey, man! Why haven't you been to see me lately? It's been over 40 yrs.!"
He looked up from putting the gas nozzle in his tank and wryly said:
December 1, 2016
November 2, 2016
October 30, 2016
October 27, 2016
October 25, 2016
October 23, 2016
TWI - Talking While Intoxicated
From the archives
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiation
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"
"Nope, no more booze for me"
"Sorry, but you're not really my type"
"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"
"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiation
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"
"Nope, no more booze for me"
"Sorry, but you're not really my type"
"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"
"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."
October 21, 2016
October 13, 2016
October 7, 2016
October 1, 2016
September 29, 2016
Living in 2016
From the
archives.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2016 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it .
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it .
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .
September 27, 2016
The Head of Bob
From the website:
The Ultimate Oracle: Over 1625038 Questions Answered
Of the many True Oracles, none are more profound than the Mystical Smoking Head of 'Bob'. Not even the Severed Head of Arnold Palmer can penetrate the veils of bulldada protecting the Norms from the Terrifying Truths and Puzzling Evidence.
Concentrate and ask a Yes or No Question
Oh By The Frop Of His Pipe, Grant Me Vision!
With the recent death of Arnold Palmer, I'm wondering if they'll change that particular gruesome reference. Probably not, though.
I asked Bob if I will win the lottery:
(click for larger view)
Labels: funny, time wasters
September 25, 2016
September 20, 2016
The Worm Didn't Turn
Cute 404 page on The Food Channel:
I was a little disappointed I wasn't able to find the recipe for Chicken Alfredo Soup right away, but I guess it's like real life; it's better to bite into an apple and find a worm than biting into one and finding half a worm.
September 14, 2016
September 10, 2016
September 5, 2016
Instant Rimshot
From the site: If you need quick access to an ironically-placed rimshot sound to mock your friends, or a genuinely-placed rimshot to put your great joke over the top, you've come to the right place
Labels: funny
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