I bet that left a mark.
March 10, 2009
What is Old?
From the email archives
What is Old?
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by... The doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Spacewalk on NASA TV
NASA TV to air Tuesday's Space Station Spacewalk
HOUSTON -- NASA Television will provide live coverage of the March 10 spacewalk of Expedition 18 Commander Mike Fincke and Flight Engineer Yury Lonchakov. The pair will complete unfinished work from their December 2008 excursion outside the orbiting laboratory.
Spacewalk starts at 11:00 a.m. CST on NASA TV
Go Ask A.L.I.C.E.
Talk with A. L. I. C. E. The Artificial Linguistic Internet Computer Entity
I have better conversations with my cat, but Alice is good for a laugh, especially when she wants to talk about her dress and I want her to take it off.
She's such a tease.
March 9, 2009
incisive
From the Word of the Day
incisive \in-SAHY-siv\, adjective:
1. penetrating; cutting; biting; trenchant
2. remarkably clear and direct; sharp; keen; acute
3. adapted for cutting or piercing
4. of or pertaining to the incisors
This blog doesn't fit any of those definitions; it's not on the cutting edge, it's certainly not clear and it's pretty much toothless.
No Wonder
Women get soured on me so quickly.
And to think that I thought them puckering up was because they wanted a kiss.
Better grapefruit than prune, I guess.
You Are Grapefruit Juice |
 You are a trustworthy, serious, and mature person. And while you are conscientious, you're also very cheerful. You don't mind responsibilities, and you enjoy doing what has to be done. You may not have discovered the meaning of life, but you've figured out how to be happy. |
The Reason I'm Fat
Here a while back I wrote about the spam mails I get from Dr. Suzanne Gudakunst and her obnoxious affiliates telling me in the subject line "The REAL Reason You're Fat".
That's not the reason I'm fat; the website This is why you're fat has many, many reasons I'm fat.
"Where Dreams Become Heart Attacks"
March 8, 2009
March 7, 2009
Stranger on the Shore - Acker Bilk
I've been meaning to put up this tune for a long time now; it's one of my favorite songs.
The reason I just remembered it was because of today's post on the Word of the Day, "bilk". I looked at my mp3 version and decided to alter the tag because the artist wasn't credited in it. I then noticed the genre tag was "negerpunk" and had to go look it up.
Wiki entry on Acker Bilk.
A Bag For Your Bags
I just returned from a trip to the local Dollar General; didn't buy much, just some paper towels and plates (ah, the life of a bachelor)I also needed some trash bags and while looking through the selection, I noticed a new product.
It was a bag in which to keep the plastic grocery bags. It was shiny and slick and came in various colors and cost something like three dollars.
I suppose it is a good idea and they'll probably sell like hotcakes.
(if you're handy with knitting needles, I suppose you could always crochet one out of plastic bags.)
I didn't buy one because I have a better idea.
People could do as I do, and put their bags inside another bag.
Maybe I should patent that idea?
bilk
From the Word of the Day feed in the right-hand column
bilk \bilk\, verb, noun:
1. to defraud; cheat
2. to frustrate
3. to escape from; elude
noun:
1. a trick; fraud; deceit.
2. a cheat, swindler
Regular and not-so-regular readers of this blog (as well as those who stumble across it) will know this word.
It's what I do to them when they expect something substantial from my posts.
With Chocolate on Top
You Are Vanilla |
 You are a delightful, friendly person. You are optimistic about life and people. You are enthusiastic and energetic. You enjoy everything you do. You are cooperative and flexible. You get along with people from many walks of life. You're not a show off. Instead, you're more likely to help other people shine. |
March 6, 2009
Me and Lani
As I announced a few months ago, Lani Rose was the winner of the Marlboro Music Contest.
Just minutes ago I signed for a package from Marlboro and it turns out I was a winner too. No, I didn't win the jukebox, but I DID win a ten dollar gift certificate at Amazon.
Cool. It's not even a down payment on the thousand dollar camera I want, but I can purchase an mp3 album or add a few bucks and get an ice cream maker.
Or, I can put it aside, forget it and then remember it after it expires, like I've previously done winning lottery tickets and phone cards. -sigh-
Types of Govt.
From the email archives:
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
March 5, 2009
Free Team Chevy Sticker
EDIT: I've noticed several hits on this over the last few weeks. Clicking on the link leads to "page not found". I'm sure this offer was for a limited time only and since this post is from March '09, I bet the offer has expired.
Anyway...I sent off for mine and didn't get it, so....
Sorry for any inconvenience.
From the website:
Do you want to be able to show everyone you’ve joined the team with the most wins in NASCAR® history? Fill out the form below, and we'll send you a Team Chevy decal from your favorite driver and make you an official member of our team. With this members-only access, Team Chevy will provide you with a monthly e-newsletter that provides insider access to our drivers both on and off the track. Join the Team. Join the Revolution. Join Team Chevy.
Only one decal per address, please.
NASCAR® is a registered trademark of the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, Inc.
Must Be Inflation
The good news:
This blog is worth more than it used to be.
The bad news:
It's still not worth much.
Maybe I can get a bailout.
Thank God and Greyhound
According to ESPN (the New York Times of the sports world, so the veracity might be questionable)the Dallas Cowboys have released controversial receiver Terrell Owens.
Blog post on the Cowboys website
I'll let Roy Clark sing what I'm thinkin':
March 4, 2009
Withering Weather
This is a screenshot of the weather module on my Excite start page. It's the weather from my best online friend's places of residence. Here in Pampa it was darn warm today; warmer than where my big sister lives in Denton, several hundred miles to the south of here.
The high temps aren't all that unusual for this time of the year in the Texas Panhandle; just a few days ago the high didn't get above freezing.
As the old saw goes: "Don't like the weather here? Just wait a few hours."
I'd make some quip about global warming, but I bet my friends in N.H., N.C. and the UK wouldn't think it so funny, especially as they're freezin' their butts off. My friend in New Zealand is heading into fall while we're starting spring.
2 Bottles of Vodka + 1 Kiss =
Woman 'bit off boyfriend's tongue'
The article says the couple had gone grocery shopping, got some food, the two bottles of booze, then she wanted a kiss.
Maybe she had left tongue off of the shopping list?
He should've picked up some brains while he was there.
I take these crazy women's names and put 'em in a little black book so I'll know to avoid them in the future. I know, I know, she's way the heck over in England, but that's barely enough space between me 'n crazy women.
Sometimes I will strike up a conversation with a guy and he'll tell me he just got divorced and will elaborate on the crazy stuff she did while/after they were breaking up. I always ask the guy if she's taking her maiden name back and would he please tell me what it is?
They almost always get offended, thinking that I'm going to go after her. They always laugh when I tell them about my "list" I keep and that I want to know what her name is if/when I run into her.
I've dated enough crazy women in my life, far more than my fair share. Some other guy needs to pick up the slack.
WeightMirror
From the website:
Take off up to 50 lbs from your OWN photo in less than 10 seconds!
It is easy, automatic, and COMPLETELY free!
Our patent-pending face recognition technology is based on years of research at Stanford University and the University of Toronto. With one click and in just a few seconds, it automatically detects your body shape and removes up to 50 lbs.
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WeightMirror.com
I have a carnival funhouse mirror; it doesn't take any weight off of me, but it makes me look goofier than I already am. My non-existent self-esteem can handle it.
I did this to a photo of me, but I don't think it made the pic any lighter.
March 3, 2009
Too Bad
I can't find a girlfriend with this sign:
You Are YIELD |
 When you're confronted with a problem, you slow down and assess exactly what is going on. You don't want to act too quickly, but you will act when you know the coast is clear. You believe that going too fast and going too slow can be equally damaging. You aim to end up somewhere in the middle between recklessness and stagnation. |
March 2, 2009
The Perfect Pancake
Want to know how to make the perfect pancake?
It's easy! (if you're a rocket scientist)
Here's the formula:
100 - [10L - 7F + C(k - C) + T(m - T)]/(S - E)
And the closer you get to a 100 - the better the pancake.
According to the article Formula for perfect pancake unveiled by scientists the complex formula L represents the number of lumps in the batter and C equals its consistency.
The letter F stands for the flipping score, k is the ideal consistency and T is the temperature of the pan.
Ideal temp of pan is represented by m, S is the length of time the batter stands before cooking and E is the length of time the cooked pancake sits before being eaten.
Curious Cast Away Crowd
Noticed that Cast Away was on the tube Saturday afternoon; as soon as the show started, this blog started getting hits left and right from Google and other searches.
Here's but a small sampling of the visitors:
I believe there were close to a hundred hits within a ten minute period. That's a pretty significant amount of visitors for this insignificant blog.
The Stimulus Explained II
Why II? First explanation
From the email archives:
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the appearance of doing something when all we did was the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
Cup of Tea
From the email archives:
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when Ibrought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
March 1, 2009
Online Email Protector
Note: I made the mistake of embedding my email addy into the graphic at the top of the right-hand column and paid for it by having my inbox deluged with spam. Obfuscating an email address using the following method isn't new, but I just didn't do it. -sigh-
From the website:
Keep your email addresses safe when you post them on the web.
You can use the online email protector to stop people from stealing your email address when you post it online. To use, simply type you email address in the box and then click in either of the textboxes. You can use the simple link code, or the more complicated Javascript link. Either links will effectively mask and cloak your email address from spammers.
The code for my email address looks like this:
(screenshot graphic, because it won't render as all of the code)
Which creates this:
mikeintexas@gmail.com
Online Email Protector
When I Come Out of My Shell
You Are Eggs |
 Traditional and totally grown up, you truly believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You don't skimp on nutrition or quality. You're likely to take the time to make yourself a decent meal each morning. You're a great cook, even if you aren't a showy one. You can make a feast out of simple ingredients. The food you eat may be basic, but you prefer to think of it as classic. |
February 28, 2009
Good Day!
It's not a good day, but the title of this post is a salute to Paul Harvey, who passed away earlier this evening.
I feel as though a good friend has died, and even though we had never met, I suppose Paul Harvey WAS a good friend.
I had listened to his radio programs for years and years. I used to date a lovely girl who lived a long, long way out on rough dirt roads and would listen to his radio program on the way out there. Even as anxious as I was to see my g/f, I would slow down to make sure I caught all of the show.
RIP
"And now you know...the rest of the story."
Cast Away Crowd Coming; Contest Commences
Just noticed where TNT.tv is airing "Cast Away" tonight at 7p.m. (CST). That will most likely mean a modest surge in this blog's traffic from Google, AOL or other search engines for "cast away farmhouse" or "cast away intersection location".
Who would have ever thought this blog would be at the top of ANY listing on the 'net?
To celebrate, ToTG is offering one free chance in our *"Free Gas for a Month" contest to the person who guesses closest to the total number of hits. (from "Cast Away" searches only)
*Details to be announced
Original post was in November '08.
Welcome to the latest batch of Cast Away fans!
Flight 1549: Into the Hudson River
A great reenactment done with animation using the actual radio broadcast between the tower and Captain Sully
One Solution
Earlier this a.m. I "shared" a news article titled "Watch out for unsolicited phone calls" on the Connect Amarillo website.
I've been getting these same calls for weeks now and finally got fed up. The calls are from automated dialers and give you the option of pressing "1" to speak with someone or to press "2" if you are not interested. Up until a few weeks ago I kept up the futile effort of choosing the latter, but the next day would get the exact same sort of call.
The first time I spoke with a representative, I was polite and told them I wasn't interested. I barely finished the sentence when I found I was listening to a dial tone. The second time I got angry and told them to not call me again in the future. I was cursed at and told I shouldn't be pressing "1" if I wasn't interested. I wanted to reply but I didn't even get to even start the sentence before I was hung up on.
Furious, I vowed to get even. I remembered an item out in the garage I thought might get them to stop.
Sure enough, I was called again just yesterday and as before, I pressed "1" to speak with an operator. Before I could say a word, here came the spiel about upgrading my vehicle warranty.
In a whisper, I told the woman on the other line I could barely hear her; she then adjusted her volume level and asked me if I could hear her now. In a bit louder voice, I told her that was somewhat better, but could she please speak up. She turned up her volume and said "That better?" Talking a little louder than I had at first, I replied that it was a little bit better, but still could barely understand. Again she turned up the volume and I allowed that that was much better....and by-the-way, was she using one of those headsets with the microphone attached? She replied that she was and then I broke out my surprise:
I then heard the distinct sound of the headphones being ripped off and curse words that I haven't heard since I roughnecked with a former sailor.
I wonder if I could sell her a warranty on her new hearing aid?
Cats & Laps
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
- Alfred North Whitehead
FunPhotoBox
Make fun photos online at FunPhotoBox!
Easy to do; select effect, upload photo, then save to disk or publish to social networks such as Facebook, MySpace, Digg, etc.
Use photos of yourself, a friend or family member for some good-natured fun
OR
You can show some contempt, as I have here:
FunPhotoBox
February 27, 2009
Not the Greeter Type
From the email archives
Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive. So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly, nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My 25 year old supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work........ soooo maybe I'll go fishing.
February 26, 2009
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