I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.
- Daniel Tosh
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
June 3, 2010
Boxers Don't Cry
April 28, 2010
Psychiatric Hotline Voice Mail
From the 
archives:
RING...RING...click
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
November 23, 2009
Be Very Careful
When sending an email:
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
via Miss Cellania
November 9, 2009
To Catch a Thief
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
“I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away.” The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard’s checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor’s office and before he could say a word, the boss said, “You’re fired!”
“Fired?” he asked in total surprise. “Why? What did I do?”
“It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you’re fired.”
“Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard.”
“Oh, really,” the boss answered. “Then how do you account for the fact that there are over 250 wheelbarrows missing?”
From Bits & Pieces
September 19, 2009
Baseball in Heaven
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
August 14, 2009
Stamp of Disapproval
From the email archives:
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it, but they noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings.
1. The stamp is in perfect order
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue
3. People are spitting on the wrong side
August 12, 2009
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl
"Will you marry me?"
The girl said "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
August 4, 2009
Short Stop
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?
Because you have a short stop between second and third.
July 16, 2009
Say What?
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what!" said a little girl. "I'm four."
July 7, 2009
If You Love Something
From the 
archives:
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
June 14, 2009
Computer Hell
From the email archives:
Bill Gates dies and goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Because of that, I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. After that, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
June 4, 2009
The Oreo Personality Quiz
From the email archives:
The Oreo Personality Quiz
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterward.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim. Nobody likes you.
April 30, 2009
You Might Be a Taliban
From the email archives:
"YOU MIGHT BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6.You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
April 10, 2009
The Bathtub Test
From the email archives
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
"Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??
April 1, 2009
Peace of Mind Prescription
From the email archives:
An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied,
“I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
“Excuse me, ma'am, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied,
“They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued…
“How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said,
“I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night."
March 31, 2009
Typical CEO
From the email archives:
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
One corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers..
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
March 17, 2009
You Might Be a Leprechaun
You might be a leprechaun if:
You snicker uncontrollably all the way through "Darby O'Gill And The Little People."
Your record collection is stocked only with very short artists, Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.
When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there's me pot o' gold!)
In your cupboard there is nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.
Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere.
You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends.
You've been under a rock for the past few years.
You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!)
You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do."
When you eat good food, you say it is "magically delicious".
And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:
You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!
Happy St. Patrick's Day! 
March 14, 2009
Senior Citizen Humor
From the email archives:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said,
'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a dumbass. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
March 10, 2009
What is Old?
From the email archives
What is Old?
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by... The doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
March 2, 2009
Cup of Tea
From the email archives:
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when Ibrought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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