Texas Women

From the archives:

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Ohio and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from New Mexico. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas and her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

1 Simple Trick

I just got my Taste of Home recipe newsletter and as is always the case, they also put in a few ads.  I don't mind them too much and generally ignore them but this one caught my attention:

I wonder what 1 simple trick in Photoshop they used to make that woman's eyes look so green?  If they didn't alter the photo, then I wonder if there's 1 simple trick to removing those vivid green contacts, because I think that woman wearing them stared too long into an X-Ray machine.  If it's not that, then I wonder if there's 1 simple trick to exorcising that demon that's inside her?

Older Than Dirt Quiz

From the archives 

How many of these can you remember? 

Get your score at the end of the quiz.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels...if you were fortunate)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15.S&H green stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22.Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers


If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Quiz For People Who Know Everything

From the archives:

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(1) There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

(4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

(5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

(8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

(10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six.

(11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."

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Answers in comment section

TWI - Talking While Intoxicated

From the     archives

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiation


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"

"Nope, no more booze for me"

"Sorry, but you're not really my type"

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"

"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."

Living in 2016

From the archives.

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2016 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it .

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .

Bottoms Up!

From the archives:

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A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners,  Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

9. "Hey, now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?"

Dr. Nelson Spam Diagnosis

I hope it's not another stomach.

Good News & Bad News

The bad news?  No more football for six months. (not counting the draft...and that really doesn't count)

The good news?  My email inbox will quit getting deluged with Pizza Hut adverts.

The day after the Super Bowl has always been the saddest day of the year for me.  Now, as I grow older, I care less and less about all sports, but I still enjoy football...although one has to be a bit of a masochist to remain a Cowboys fan. -sigh-  I care nothing about basketball and even less (if possible) about hockey and the only reason I like seeing baseball in the news is that it means spring is here. 

I get one, sometimes two, Pizza Hut mailings every week.  I don't eat a lot of pizza, but I signed up so I can order online and take advantage of the deals offered only to members.  This week, though, I was getting two, sometimes three separate promotional emails every day.  Enough already!  I think being a pizza delivery person would be one of the worst jobs, particularly on Super Bowl Sunday. 

Well, except for working for Roto-Rooter on the day after Thanksgiving.

I'm also glad that my recipe newsletters will focus on something else besides party dips and especially chicken wing recipes.  I never made any of them, but I read so many I started sprouting pinfeathers.  Every time I've ever seen wings on the buffet, the "drumettes" were gone by the time I got to them.  I finally figured out the best way to eat the "arm" part of the wing;  pinch off the end with the bit of cartilage and pull the two tiny bones out and then you can eat the entire thing!

Newspapers

From the archives:

The People Who Think They Run The Country And The Newspapers They READ!

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don' t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state and would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for.

There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

Powerful Woman's Motto

From the archives:

Powerful Woman's Motto

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says:

" Oh hell....she's awake!! ''

The Haircut

From the archives:
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

A Strange Quiz

From the archives:  

Schwartzenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one

Madonna doesn't have one

The Pope has one but doesn't use his

Clinton uses his all the time

Lady GaGa's is Both

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

George Burns' was hot

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?


Hold down cursor and drag between (  )  for answer:

("A Last Name." )

Things the Easter Bunny Taught Me

From the archives: 

1. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. 
2. Walk softly and carry a big carrot. 
3. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. 
4. There's no such thing as too much candy. 
5. All work and no play can make you a basket case. 
6. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention. 
7. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. 
8. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. 
9. Some body parts should be floppy. 
10. Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans. 
11. Good things come in small sugar-coated packages. 
12. The grass is greener in someone else's basket. 
13. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare. 
14. To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell. 
15. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey. 

Why English is Such a Difficult Language

From the archives:

1.) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write  - but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Let There Be Light!

From the archives:

How Many Church Members To Change a Light Bulb?

CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.

PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

ROMAN CATHOLIC: None. Candles only.

BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

NAZARENE: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

AMISH: What's a light bulb?

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: None. The lights are on, but no one's home.

MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it

Department Store Santa

From the archives:

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Ten Things A Department Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear:

10. "Remember me? I'm the kid with the weak bladder"

9. "You smell like supermarket gin"

8. "The real miracle on 34th Street would be if they accepted my mom's MasterCard"

7. "I want a 2004 Pontiac Aztec"

6. "Oh, by the way, if I don't get an X-Box, I'm gonna hunt you down, old man"

5. "I'm Jewish"

4. "I love you Kenny Rogers"

3. "Frankly I'm just here to humor my parents"

2. "While I'm talking to you, my mom is shoplifting blouses"

1. "Mom says you're my real daddy"

Great Ghandi Groaner

From the archives:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...

... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Facebook Email Change

Facebook sure has been changing a lot of things here lately. Most of the changes were ones I didn't much care for, such as the Timeline makeover, but this one doesn't affect me at all. I get P.M.s fairly often from my FB friends and sometimes a few from other folks that go in the "Other" folder (and which I often miss) but I never used my Facebook email account.

(my real name redacted as so to give me the illusion that I have a little bit of privacy left)

What My Mother Taught Me

From the archives:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished cleaning!"

2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why!"

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Be sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

11. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -- don't exaggerate!!!"

13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"