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Showing posts with label bad jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad jokes. Show all posts

May 26, 2016

Happy Butt

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

spinning girl

December 22, 2015

Five Days of Christmas

Q: What did the blonde ask Santa Claus for Christmas? Photobucket

A: Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.

via jokes.com

July 19, 2015

What Should You Say in French?

A Texan, upon his first visit to Paris, saw the Eiffel Tower and said:
"Say, that's a pretty good-sized oil rig!"

You Should Say "Bonjour"

If you were to visit Paris, you would really be interested in the local's perspective on things.

You don't want a tourist experience - you want a real experience. You want to eat where Parisians eat and do what Parisians do.

It's probably best if you brush up on your French a little before visiting Paris. You've got to speak it if you want to meet local friends.


Start with "Bonjour" and go from there. Before long, you'll know how to ask where the best pan au chocolat is! 



May 13, 2015

What Energizes You?

Flexibility Energizes You

You see the world as a place full of opportunities and promise. You love to keep your options open.

You aren't the type of person who needs a plan. In fact, too much scheduling can weigh your energy down.

You need as much freedom as possible, and you won't squander it. You put your time and energy to good use.


You don't have expectations about the future, and you are always ready to change course. You try to leave space for new experiences and adventures. 


 



I'd say this quiz is one of the most spot-on of any I've ever taken.  I really don't like schedules and love my freedom, although most of the time I don't put my time and energy to good use.  I certainly don't have expectations about the future, that's for sure.

Yes, flexibility usually energizes me, but there was that time when I dated that nymphomaniac gymnast....

December 11, 2014

Mozart

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Jan 27, 1756 - Dec 5, 1791) began composing at the age of five.

He began decomposing shortly after he died.


December 10, 2014

Great Ghandi Groaner

From the Photobucket archives:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...

... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


August 7, 2014

It's My Party - Lesley Gore




Several years ago, a young couple with two small girls moved in a few doors down. I became good friends with them and I absolutely adored their girls, Dusty and Wendy. (my mom said their names sounded like a weather report.)

The guy told me when his oldest girl was being potty trained, she'd cry for no good reason.  "Why are you crying?" he'd ask her in frustration.

"It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to." he said she said.

Yep, that's a groaner.

May 1, 2014

Happy May Day!

May Day was once a holiday in the U.S., but after being selected as the date for International Workers' Day, it fell out of favor until 2012 when it was chosen as a holiday and for demonstrations by the Occupy movement.

Personally, I prefer how Hawaii celebrates May 1, with Lei Day. I really wish I was in Hawaii right now and getting lei'd.

may day photo mayday_md_wht_zps8ccfa62b.gif

April 13, 2014

What Must You Do?

From the Photobucket archives:


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off, on your left is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and another kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

March 6, 2014

A Healthy Diet

Anteaters can eat up to 30,000 ants per day.


Anteaters never get sick!

Why is that?

Because they're full of anty-bodies!

June 11, 2013

Knit Pick


I really need to learn how to knit. I've got so much cat hair in my house that if I had the internal organs, I could knit me another cat.



Knit One, Purl Two - Glenn Miller

May 13, 2013

Horrible Hyena Humor


When a hyena is making its signature laughing sound it's expressing frustration, usually when fighting a more dominant hyena or other hyenas for food.
That bit of trivia reminds me of an old joke:

An old man took his grandson to the zoo and during the tour they stopped in front of the hyena cage. The tour guide said:

"This is the laughing hyena, so called because of its distinctive bark which sounds like laughter. It eats 45 lbs. of meat a week and only evacuates once a month."

The old man snorted and dryly said: "Hmmph! If that S.O.B. eats 45 lbs. of meat a week and only craps once a month, I don't see what the hell it's laughing about!"

March 8, 2013

From A to Pee

How much liquid does the human bladder hold?

If you were to ask most women, the answer would probably be "Not enough!" Seriously, the bladder in humans and other mammals is an extremely elastic and expandable muscular sac. The average adult can comfortably hold up to about one-third quart of urine. More urine causes the bladder to become distended and uncomfortable. Each individual is different, of course, so there are wide variations in urine capacity.


It had been a while since I had done trivia and I couldn't remember if I had already posted this one, so I did a quick search. I hadn't, but was surprised that there were quite a few more pee posts.

I'm not really fond of bodily function humor, but one of the earliest jokes I ever remember was my momma saying "Just call me Peepee...I'm all urine." That was funny when I was about ten or so. I guess it still is. It's much funnier than the other similar joke I heard around the same time; counting off: "You're a five, You're a six, you're a seven, you're..."

That's about all the jokes I know about peeing, although when it was raining heavily my dad would say "It's coming down like a cow peein' on a flat rock."  It also reminds me of talking about the differences between men and women with an old girlfriend and she said women can do anything a man can do PLUS have babies.  I told her they couldn't write their names in the snow. 

The next time it snowed I reminded her about her boast and in just a few minutes, she proved me wrong.  Her "writing" wasn't as neat as mine, but to give her credit, it was legible.   It was also hilarious to see.

Oh, there's one more peeing joke I had forgotten.  It's been around as long as I can remember.  The first time I heard it, it had Richard Nixon in it, so that should tell you how old it is.  I'll update it to be current.

One snowy Washington DC morning, President Obama woke up and saw "Obama sucks!" written in the snow on the White House lawn.  He was so enraged, he got the FBI on the case, taking evidence to find out who was the culprit.  A few hours later, they came back to him with the report.

"We hate to have to tell you this...." said the FBI agent.  "Tell me!" commanded the President. "Well, we ran tests and it turns out it's Joe Biden's DNA."  Furious, the President glared at him.  "We have even more bad news, Mr. President." the FBI agent continued.  "What could be worse than having my Vice-President mock me?" asked the President.  "Well..." stammered the FBI man.  "It was in Michelle's handwriting."

OK, enough horrible jokes.  I'm sure they're pushing the G-rated classification of this blog as it is.    I'll just close with this admission:

I suffer from Paruresis.

December 17, 2012

Ten Things A Store Santa Doesn't Want To Hear

10. "Remember me? I'm the kid with the weak bladder"

9. "You smell like supermarket gin"

8. "The real miracle on 34th Street would be if they accepted my mom's MasterCard"

7. "I want a 2004 Pontiac Aztec"

6. "Oh, by the way, if I don't get an X-Box, I'm gonna hunt you down, old man"

5. "I'm Jewish"

4. "I love you Kenny Rogers"

3. "Frankly I'm just here to humor my parents"

2. "While I'm talking to you, my mom is shoplifting blouses"

1. "Mom says you're my real daddy"
Photobucket

December 8, 2012

October 30, 2012

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Today's StartSampling trivia contest question was this:

Who Am I?  Try your luck at this contest! We have provided information about a product character or icon. Can you guess who it is? With his toga-style outfit of leaves, green skin, and impressive stature, it's hard to miss this icon. Who is this icon? Good luck!

Sometimes I have to Google the answer on some of these advertising questions, but not today.  Being a child raised on '60's TV, the answer was easy.



That reminds me of an old joke from my junior high days:

What do you have if you have a big green ball in one hand and another big green ball in the other?

Total control over the Jolly Green Giant.

August 5, 2012

First Contact

An alien landed on Earth and the first person he met was a tall, good looking woman. Awed by her beauty, he finally managed to speak:

"Take me to a ladder lady, I'll meet your leader later."



June 15, 2012

Costly Kids

Just read this article on Yahoo: Cost of kid-raising hits $234,900 in U.S

Wow.  That's a lot of money, but thinking of the yearly cost of food and clothes, plus college, it sounds about right.  Since that's an average, it makes me think of the privileged kids who are above the average and especially those children who get below the average cost spent on them, sometimes much less.  I know people who probably have spent close to that much on beer in the same amount of time.

Some of the comments on the Yahoo Facebook wall (where I saw the link to the article) were - as usual - getting heated. Some people were saying their children's love was worth much more than that while others said they were never going to have children. Of course - as usual- there were self-righteous types who were replying to the anti-having children posters telling them they shouldn't have children if they were going to have an attitude like that. Good grief, they just SAID they weren't having children; why rake them over the coals for not wanting children?  I have a sneaking suspicion that the critics would never admit they wish they hadn't had children and were jealous of those who weren't.  They're probably the ones who shouldn't have had children.

I had a friend who told his mother he wasn't having children. (and since he was gay, I figured it would've been a safe bet) She told him "But who will take care of you when you're old?"

"I dunno." he replied. "But I ain't havin' nobody stick ME in a nursing home."

Nothing wrong with not having children, but I personally think *some* people who have children shouldn't have them and/or they have too many. It's still a free country - for the time being - so pop those kids out like your womb was a Pez dispenser, I don't give a damn. Just keep them quiet in restaurants, that's all I ask. Oh yeah, and keep 'em off my lawn, too.

Reminds me of an old joke:

A traveling salesman was making calls in the back woods and stopped at a primitive cabin where at least a dozen kids were playing outside in the dirt.  He could tell the family was very poor and it wouldn't be any use in trying to sell them something, but he really needed to use the bathroom so he asked the harried looking woman if he could use their facilities.  Shifting a baby from one arm to the other, she pointed towards an outhouse in the back yard.

The salesman walked toward the privy and opened the door, but as he looked down into the hole, he could see a young child struggling in the muck, the head barely visible.  He ran back to the front, frantically screaming for someone to help the child.  The woman followed him to the outhouse, looked down in the hole at the child and to the salesman's horror, put a leg into the opening and with her foot pushed the child's head below the surface.

"My God!" exclaimed the salesman."Why did you do that?"

Without batting an eye, the woman replied "I reckon it'd be easier to make another one than it would be to clean that one up."

April 1, 2012

A Slice of Life

Quite a few years ago, I was roughnecking for one of my best friends. Besides me and the driller, the rest of the crew consisted of my friend's brother-in-law and a guy who I knew, but not very well. I knew his family, though, because his dad had worked for my grandfather in the oil field.   For the life of me, I can't remember the guy's name...but that's not important for this story.  I'm sure he would want to remain anonymous and I can't say as I'd blame him.

We worked nights - morning tour (pronounced "tower") and on the way home, the guy, like many of the guys I worked with, liked to drink beer.  Before you gag, remember that night shift workers have their days turned around and 7:00 a.m. is like 5:00 p.m. to everyone else.   I've never been much of a drinker and especially when I worked that shift.  Drinking upsets my sleep and it's hard enough getting rest during the day, what with the usual daytime noises.

The guy whose family I knew liked to drink any chance he got, though, and that morning when he cracked open his first beer I got the impression that he had started drinking even before the shift was over. (really stupid thing to do on a drilling rig - they're dangerous places to work even when you have all your senses about you)  By the time we dropped him off, he was sloshing drunk.  We watched him stagger up the sidewalk to his front door and as we drove off, made wisecracks about his wife being angry with him and hoping he wouldn't have a hangover that night at work.

The day passed, I got what rest I could trying to sleep during the day and when my boss picked me up, we headed straight on to work without picking up the guy.  I asked where he was and was told his wife had called and said he couldn't make it, that earlier he had suffered an accident at home and had been forced to go to the emergency room.

We guessed at what had happened - his wife had hit him with a frying pan when he came in drunk, he had slipped in the shower or maybe he had continued his drinking when he got home and was just too drunk to go to work and the ER story was just an excuse to keep from being fired.  Even though we were short-handed, we thankfully got through the shift without too much trouble.  Another day went by and it was time to go to work again. This time, however, the guy was ready to go to work and on the way to the rig, told us why he had missed the previous night.

"I was really drunk when I got home." he started his story with an obvious fact.  "My old lady woke up when I fell down in the living room and gave me hell for a while." (That was something else we had figured would happen, duh.) He went on: "I really needed to pee, so I went into the bathroom and started peein' like a Russian racehorse when I noticed a loose thread hanging from my fly.  I pulled on the thread but it wouldn't come loose.  There was a piece of broken mirror on the toilet lid (probably the result of a previous drunken episode, I thought) so I picked up the jagged glass and slashed at the thread."

Get the picture?  Do I need to spell it out for you?  I don't think I will.  When we got out to the rig and started changing clothes, he showed us his injury.  It was close to the top of "it" and had required 27 stitches to close. 

Made me cringe then, makes me cringe now.  There's a moral to the story, but you can supply your own, I'd wager.

I quit that job after a while, then a few months later I came back to work for my friend.  In that time, the guy had also quit and and had also come back to work on the rig, but on a different shift.  We passed by an ambulance on the way to work and nervously hoped it wasn't coming from our rig....but it was.  The injured party was the same guy!  He had to go up in the derrick and must have been semi-drunk when he did because he forgot to put on his safety belt and fell out.  He slowed his fall some by grabbing onto a cable but still hit hard enough to break several bones.  That was lucky - in a way - but even though he didn't hit as hard as he could have, he landed a-straddle the drawworks guard.  He managed to avoid crushing "anything important", but he was split from his rectum to nearly his belly button.  That makes me cringe even worse than thinking about his other injury.

That's not really funny, not unless you have a sadistic sense of humor.  Maybe I do have a sadistic sense of humor because it reminds me of an old joke:

Johnny's mother sent him to the store for a loaf of bread.  He was walking home, the loaf of bread under one arm and the hand of his free arm stuck deep in his pocket, when he bumped into the pastor of his church.

"Afternoon, Johnny!" said the preacher. "I see you have the staff of life in one hand;  what do you have in the other?"

"Oh," sheepishly replied Johnny. "That's a loaf of bread."

January 29, 2012

Rumspringa

That's a new word I learned today. I saw it in a reply to a post in Big Hollywood - the topic was Katy Perry, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson and how they were raised in a church, but weren't being Christian in their careers. I like to read Big Hollywood but don't really like it when they interject religion or politics into their articles. (because 99% of Hollywood is liberal and the posts and replies mostly bitch and moan about it... and criticisms of religion almost always wind up sounding "holier than thou".)

One of the replies said the girls might be on their Rumspringa "and they'll get over it." From the context, I had an inkling as to what the word meant, but I wasn't familiar with it. Wiki says Rumspringa is a time when Amish youth "sow their wild oats". It was an interesting and informative read, so I did a little more research. I've read about Amish kids being busted for selling/using drugs and I seem to recall a recent murder that shocked the Amish community, but the funniest thing I have read about Amish crime has been beard cutting assaults. (Well, funny to me, but I wasn't the one getting my beard cut off.)

Maybe I'm insensitive about that, but I've never been able to grow a beard, just a mustache and Amish men don't wear mustaches. (I'm not sure about the Amish women) I could never be Amish, I guess, because I like my 'stache and my TV and microwave.

I also found out there's a band named Rumspringa and this is where I'd normally add the video, but I'm not in the mood for alternative music.

I do know an Amish joke, though:

What goes "clip clop clip clop - BANG BANG BANG - clip clop clip clop"?

An Amish drive-by shooting.