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One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." |
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
July 31, 2019
Satan's Sister
January 3, 2019
Texas Women
From the 
archives:
archives:Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Ohio and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from New Mexico. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Texas and her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
December 9, 2016
Talking While Intoxicated
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
June 1, 2016
Bottoms Up!
From the 
archives:
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
9. "Hey, now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?"
archives:A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
9. "Hey, now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?"
February 10, 2016
It's Lent
"Bumped" from a couple of yrs. ago and updated*.
Not being Catholic, I am usually unaware when Lent begins. (*This year, Lent begins today and ends on March 24.) When a spate of pancake recipes hit my reader earlier this week, I was reminded that before Lent begins, there is Shrove Tuesday or "Pancake Day", when housewives would try to use up all the ingredients they couldn't use during Lent.
As I said, not being Catholic, I am not familiar with Lent, but I do know that when making pancakes, one should not over mix the wet and dry ingredients or the pancakes will become "tough". A few lumps are all right - they'll bake out when the pancakes are cooked.
I used to brag that someone could bring up a topic and I would know a joke about it. Since it's Lent, here's my Lent joke:
A couple had just gotten married during this time of year. On their honeymoon night, they went to bed and the new bride eagerly reached over to her husband, but he gently pushed her away.
"I can't...it's Lent." he explained.
"That's silly." she sniffed. "To who and for how long?"
Not being Catholic, I am usually unaware when Lent begins. (*This year, Lent begins today and ends on March 24.) When a spate of pancake recipes hit my reader earlier this week, I was reminded that before Lent begins, there is Shrove Tuesday or "Pancake Day", when housewives would try to use up all the ingredients they couldn't use during Lent.
As I said, not being Catholic, I am not familiar with Lent, but I do know that when making pancakes, one should not over mix the wet and dry ingredients or the pancakes will become "tough". A few lumps are all right - they'll bake out when the pancakes are cooked.
I used to brag that someone could bring up a topic and I would know a joke about it. Since it's Lent, here's my Lent joke:
A couple had just gotten married during this time of year. On their honeymoon night, they went to bed and the new bride eagerly reached over to her husband, but he gently pushed her away.
"I can't...it's Lent." he explained.
"That's silly." she sniffed. "To who and for how long?"
December 12, 2015
Newspapers
archives:
The People Who Think They Run The Country And The Newspapers They READ!
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don' t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state and would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for.
There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don' t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state and would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for.
There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
July 15, 2015
The Haircut
archives:One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
March 17, 2015
Bar Mitzvah Buzz
From the 
archives:
archives:
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."
January 9, 2015
Let There Be Light!
From the archives:
archives:
How Many Church Members To Change a Light Bulb?
CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.
PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
PRESBYTERIANS: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
ROMAN CATHOLIC: None. Candles only.
BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
NAZARENE: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
AMISH: What's a light bulb?
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: None. The lights are on, but no one's home.
MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it
PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
PRESBYTERIANS: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
ROMAN CATHOLIC: None. Candles only.
BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
NAZARENE: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
AMISH: What's a light bulb?
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: None. The lights are on, but no one's home.
MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it
May 10, 2014
What My Mother Taught Me
From the archives:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished cleaning!"
2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why!"
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Be sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
6. My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
7. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
10. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
11. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -- don't exaggerate!!!"
13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
archives:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished cleaning!"
2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why!"
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Be sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
6. My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
7. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
10. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
11. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -- don't exaggerate!!!"
13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
July 10, 2013
What Religion is Your Bra?
This joke came in a weekly newsletter I get and I started to post the text version and while looking for some bra clip art to accompany it (not a very good selection; I thought maybe a Madonna pointed type would be funny to go along with the joke)I found the video.
It reminded me of when this was posted somewhere in an MSN Group - the joke was semi-funny, but the comments under it were even funnier. Several of us made additions to the list and they were better than the original ones. I didn't save the comments (or if I did, that was several computers and failed hard drives ago) but maybe we can get some more contributions.
One of my entries was the Pentecostal bra with two pockets - one for the snake and another for the strychnine.
OK, not all the comments were funny.
June 9, 2013
trousseau
trousseau trous·seau [troo-soh, troo-soh] noun, plural trous·seaux [-sohz, -sohz], trous·seaus.
an outfit of clothing, household linen, etc., for a bride.
My favorite joke about a trousseau.
OK, my ONLY joke about it.
A young woman came back from her honeymoon and her mother went over to the new bride's house the next day to see how it had gone. Her daughter was unpacking and brought out her negligee which had been torn to shreds. The mother was shocked and asked who had done that. The young lady replied that her new husband had caused the damage.
"Didn't he like your trousseau?" asked the mother.
"Oh yes." exclaimed her daughter. "He just liked my torso better than my trousseau, that's why my trousseau is tore so."
March 8, 2013
From A to Pee
How much liquid does the human bladder hold?
If you were to ask most women, the answer would probably be "Not enough!" Seriously, the bladder in humans and other mammals is an extremely elastic and expandable muscular sac. The average adult can comfortably hold up to about one-third quart of urine. More urine causes the bladder to become distended and uncomfortable. Each individual is different, of course, so there are wide variations in urine capacity.
It had been a while since I had done trivia and I couldn't remember if I had already posted this one, so I did a quick search. I hadn't, but was surprised that there were quite a few more pee posts.
I'm not really fond of bodily function humor, but one of the earliest jokes I ever remember was my momma saying "Just call me Peepee...I'm all urine." That was funny when I was about ten or so. I guess it still is. It's much funnier than the other similar joke I heard around the same time; counting off: "You're a five, You're a six, you're a seven, you're..."
That's about all the jokes I know about peeing, although when it was raining heavily my dad would say "It's coming down like a cow peein' on a flat rock." It also reminds me of talking about the differences between men and women with an old girlfriend and she said women can do anything a man can do PLUS have babies. I told her they couldn't write their names in the snow.
The next time it snowed I reminded her about her boast and in just a few minutes, she proved me wrong. Her "writing" wasn't as neat as mine, but to give her credit, it was legible. It was also hilarious to see.
Oh, there's one more peeing joke I had forgotten. It's been around as long as I can remember. The first time I heard it, it had Richard Nixon in it, so that should tell you how old it is. I'll update it to be current.
One snowy Washington DC morning, President Obama woke up and saw "Obama sucks!" written in the snow on the White House lawn. He was so enraged, he got the FBI on the case, taking evidence to find out who was the culprit. A few hours later, they came back to him with the report.
"We hate to have to tell you this...." said the FBI agent. "Tell me!" commanded the President. "Well, we ran tests and it turns out it's Joe Biden's DNA." Furious, the President glared at him. "We have even more bad news, Mr. President." the FBI agent continued. "What could be worse than having my Vice-President mock me?" asked the President. "Well..." stammered the FBI man. "It was in Michelle's handwriting."
OK, enough horrible jokes. I'm sure they're pushing the G-rated classification of this blog as it is. I'll just close with this admission:
I suffer from Paruresis.
If you were to ask most women, the answer would probably be "Not enough!" Seriously, the bladder in humans and other mammals is an extremely elastic and expandable muscular sac. The average adult can comfortably hold up to about one-third quart of urine. More urine causes the bladder to become distended and uncomfortable. Each individual is different, of course, so there are wide variations in urine capacity.
It had been a while since I had done trivia and I couldn't remember if I had already posted this one, so I did a quick search. I hadn't, but was surprised that there were quite a few more pee posts.
I'm not really fond of bodily function humor, but one of the earliest jokes I ever remember was my momma saying "Just call me Peepee...I'm all urine." That was funny when I was about ten or so. I guess it still is. It's much funnier than the other similar joke I heard around the same time; counting off: "You're a five, You're a six, you're a seven, you're..."
That's about all the jokes I know about peeing, although when it was raining heavily my dad would say "It's coming down like a cow peein' on a flat rock." It also reminds me of talking about the differences between men and women with an old girlfriend and she said women can do anything a man can do PLUS have babies. I told her they couldn't write their names in the snow.
The next time it snowed I reminded her about her boast and in just a few minutes, she proved me wrong. Her "writing" wasn't as neat as mine, but to give her credit, it was legible. It was also hilarious to see.
Oh, there's one more peeing joke I had forgotten. It's been around as long as I can remember. The first time I heard it, it had Richard Nixon in it, so that should tell you how old it is. I'll update it to be current.
One snowy Washington DC morning, President Obama woke up and saw "Obama sucks!" written in the snow on the White House lawn. He was so enraged, he got the FBI on the case, taking evidence to find out who was the culprit. A few hours later, they came back to him with the report.
"We hate to have to tell you this...." said the FBI agent. "Tell me!" commanded the President. "Well, we ran tests and it turns out it's Joe Biden's DNA." Furious, the President glared at him. "We have even more bad news, Mr. President." the FBI agent continued. "What could be worse than having my Vice-President mock me?" asked the President. "Well..." stammered the FBI man. "It was in Michelle's handwriting."
OK, enough horrible jokes. I'm sure they're pushing the G-rated classification of this blog as it is. I'll just close with this admission:
I suffer from Paruresis.
March 5, 2013
The Last Picture Show
One of my favorite movies. The movie takes place around the time I was born, but I can identify with the characters growing up in a small Texas town.
I haven't been to the movies in years, not since Titanic. (the movie, not the actual voyage) I love movies,though, and have a fairly large collection of DVDs, mostly being my favorite movies which I gleaned from the Wal Mart bargain bin. The majority of them are still in the wrappers, unopened and I'm saving them for a rainy day. Or when I don't have Internet. Or forget to pay the cable bill.
When I was a kid, my two older sisters and I used to go to the movies fairly often, nearly every Saturday. Our folks would drop us off there on a Saturday afternoon and go do Lord only knows what, but they'd be gone a long time and we'd not only watch the movie once, but sometimes sit through it a second time waiting on our parents. Even then, concession prices were outrageous so we'd smuggle candy in and use whatever money was left over from buying tickets to get soft drinks. We'd usually have a big carton of Whoppers malted milk balls, my oldest sister's favorite candy. My other sister still says my big sis would dole them out: "One for you, one for you and two for me....one for you, one for you, two for me." I don't remember it quite that way and I'm sure my sis gave me more than my share to keep me from fidgeting and whining. At that time, there were two theaters here in town, the La Vista Theater (recent photo) and the Capri Theatre.
The La Vista was an older movie house, but some seats were reclining and they also had a "crying room", a small soundproof room with a huge picture window so mothers could take cranky infants inside and not disturb the other patrons. I used to like to go in there sometimes just for the novelty of it. Some of their seats however were threadbare and crooked, the padding compressed by thousands of movie goer's butts over the decades. I can't remember when it closed, but the last time I was in there it was very run-down and dirty, the floor permanently sticky from thousands of gallons of spilled drinks, the once-beautiful art deco marquis in front showing its age.
The other theater, the Capri, was new, but lacked the style of the LaVista. The seats didn't recline, but at least they had padding. It's closed now as well, a victim of both a new multi-screen theater in the shopping center and the advent of home VCRs. I remember my folks speaking of La Nora Theatre with fondness, but that was before my time. According to what I read on the 'net, it burned down in 1960.
I don't recall my parents ever going to the theater with us, but I do remember all of us going to the drive-in. At one time there were two of them here in town, both long since gone. One of them had a playground right under the huge screen and I guess I was about six or seven and looking up and seeing the shower scene from Psycho, the knife ripping through the curtain, as large as a car from that perspective. I opted for baths for years after that.
Funny how things embarrass you when you're a kid. I absently mindedly scratched my butt once in the hallway at school and one of the other guys said "Hey, Mike....you goin' to the movies?" Puzzled, I shook my head. "Jes' wonderin'." he snickered. "You were pickin' yer seat." My face turned red with the howls of every kid in earshot. He didn't think it so funny when I poured vinegar into his chocolate milk later at lunch. I'm not sure what was more funny; the look on his face when he swallowed or watching it come out his nose. The lesson I learned best that day wasn't in reading or writing, but "don't get mad, get even."
I haven't been to a drive-in since I lived in Denton. A buddy and our girlfriends would load up and go, especially on the nights when it was "bumper sticker night"; if you had the bumper sticker on your vehicle of the radio station that sponsored the night, the entire carload got in for just a few dollars. The movies usually weren't all that good, but it was fun to get there early and watch the college kids drive in and unload eight or ten out of the car and sometimes several more out of the trunk. We usually went in my friend's El Camino, parking backwards in the space and sitting in lawn chairs in the back, drinking beer and enjoying the soft, warm North Texas nights more than we did the movie.
Thinking of how much fun it was to go to the movies when I was younger reminded me of a girl I went to school with. She was a couple of years younger than me, really cute, but...well, let's just say she wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree, ok? A classmate of mine took her to the movies one Saturday evening and told us about the date on the following Monday. She lived way out in the country, so he left early to pick her up as so to be able to get to the first showing of the movie he planned to take her to. She wasn't ready - I really don't think she was too good at telling time - and they got to the theater after the movie started.
They sat through the movie and the intermission after it was over. This was back when they didn't clear the theater after the showing (and that was why my sisters and I sat through two showings of a movie when we were kids) and there were local commercials, cartoons and coming attractions before the feature started. My friend and his date watched all of that, then watched the first of the movie that they had missed.
My classmate said several minutes of what they had seen had gone by and he was ready to go. He kept glancing over at the girl, but she was engrossed in the movie as if she had never seen it before. He waited a few more minutes, trying to be polite, thinking that she'd finally catch on that she had already seen that part of the movie, then leaned over to her and whispered:
"Where did we come in at?"
She looked at him like HE was the stupid one and with a mouth full of popcorn turned around and pointed:
"Right back there at that door!"
When I was a kid, my two older sisters and I used to go to the movies fairly often, nearly every Saturday. Our folks would drop us off there on a Saturday afternoon and go do Lord only knows what, but they'd be gone a long time and we'd not only watch the movie once, but sometimes sit through it a second time waiting on our parents. Even then, concession prices were outrageous so we'd smuggle candy in and use whatever money was left over from buying tickets to get soft drinks. We'd usually have a big carton of Whoppers malted milk balls, my oldest sister's favorite candy. My other sister still says my big sis would dole them out: "One for you, one for you and two for me....one for you, one for you, two for me." I don't remember it quite that way and I'm sure my sis gave me more than my share to keep me from fidgeting and whining. At that time, there were two theaters here in town, the La Vista Theater (recent photo) and the Capri Theatre.
The La Vista was an older movie house, but some seats were reclining and they also had a "crying room", a small soundproof room with a huge picture window so mothers could take cranky infants inside and not disturb the other patrons. I used to like to go in there sometimes just for the novelty of it. Some of their seats however were threadbare and crooked, the padding compressed by thousands of movie goer's butts over the decades. I can't remember when it closed, but the last time I was in there it was very run-down and dirty, the floor permanently sticky from thousands of gallons of spilled drinks, the once-beautiful art deco marquis in front showing its age.
The other theater, the Capri, was new, but lacked the style of the LaVista. The seats didn't recline, but at least they had padding. It's closed now as well, a victim of both a new multi-screen theater in the shopping center and the advent of home VCRs. I remember my folks speaking of La Nora Theatre with fondness, but that was before my time. According to what I read on the 'net, it burned down in 1960.
I don't recall my parents ever going to the theater with us, but I do remember all of us going to the drive-in. At one time there were two of them here in town, both long since gone. One of them had a playground right under the huge screen and I guess I was about six or seven and looking up and seeing the shower scene from Psycho, the knife ripping through the curtain, as large as a car from that perspective. I opted for baths for years after that.
Funny how things embarrass you when you're a kid. I absently mindedly scratched my butt once in the hallway at school and one of the other guys said "Hey, Mike....you goin' to the movies?" Puzzled, I shook my head. "Jes' wonderin'." he snickered. "You were pickin' yer seat." My face turned red with the howls of every kid in earshot. He didn't think it so funny when I poured vinegar into his chocolate milk later at lunch. I'm not sure what was more funny; the look on his face when he swallowed or watching it come out his nose. The lesson I learned best that day wasn't in reading or writing, but "don't get mad, get even."
I haven't been to a drive-in since I lived in Denton. A buddy and our girlfriends would load up and go, especially on the nights when it was "bumper sticker night"; if you had the bumper sticker on your vehicle of the radio station that sponsored the night, the entire carload got in for just a few dollars. The movies usually weren't all that good, but it was fun to get there early and watch the college kids drive in and unload eight or ten out of the car and sometimes several more out of the trunk. We usually went in my friend's El Camino, parking backwards in the space and sitting in lawn chairs in the back, drinking beer and enjoying the soft, warm North Texas nights more than we did the movie.
Thinking of how much fun it was to go to the movies when I was younger reminded me of a girl I went to school with. She was a couple of years younger than me, really cute, but...well, let's just say she wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree, ok? A classmate of mine took her to the movies one Saturday evening and told us about the date on the following Monday. She lived way out in the country, so he left early to pick her up as so to be able to get to the first showing of the movie he planned to take her to. She wasn't ready - I really don't think she was too good at telling time - and they got to the theater after the movie started.
They sat through the movie and the intermission after it was over. This was back when they didn't clear the theater after the showing (and that was why my sisters and I sat through two showings of a movie when we were kids) and there were local commercials, cartoons and coming attractions before the feature started. My friend and his date watched all of that, then watched the first of the movie that they had missed.
My classmate said several minutes of what they had seen had gone by and he was ready to go. He kept glancing over at the girl, but she was engrossed in the movie as if she had never seen it before. He waited a few more minutes, trying to be polite, thinking that she'd finally catch on that she had already seen that part of the movie, then leaned over to her and whispered:
"Where did we come in at?"
She looked at him like HE was the stupid one and with a mouth full of popcorn turned around and pointed:
"Right back there at that door!"
October 31, 2012
Halloween Dictionary
From the archives:
Halloween Dictionary
Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."
Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
archives:Halloween Dictionary
Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."
Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
October 18, 2012
A Woman’s Poem
From the archives:
He didn’t like the casserole, and he didn’t like my cake
He said my biscuits were too hard, not like his mother used to make
I didn’t perk the coffee right, and he didn’t like the stew
I didn’t mend his socks, the way his mother used to do
I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him
Just like his mother used to do.
archives: He didn’t like the casserole, and he didn’t like my cake
He said my biscuits were too hard, not like his mother used to make
I didn’t perk the coffee right, and he didn’t like the stew
I didn’t mend his socks, the way his mother used to do
I pondered for an answer, I was looking for a clue
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him
Just like his mother used to do.
October 16, 2012
Toilet Talk
From the 
archives:
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying “Hi, how are you?”
I am not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doing just fine!”
And the other guy says “So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question, “Can I come over?”
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but i figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, “No… I am little busy right now!!!”
Then I hear the guy say nervously:
“Listen, I will have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!
archives:I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying “Hi, how are you?”
I am not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doing just fine!”
And the other guy says “So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question, “Can I come over?”
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but i figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, “No… I am little busy right now!!!”
Then I hear the guy say nervously:
“Listen, I will have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!
July 23, 2012
The Pause That Refreshes
At StartSampling, one of my favorite websites, they have weekly trivia contests and one of this week's is Know the SampleSlogan?
Try your luck at this contest. We've provided a slogan below. Can you guess the product?
Slogan -"The Pause that Refreshes"
I knew it without having to do a search. From the Wiki entry Coca-Cola slogans, "the pause that refreshes" was first used in 1929. It's interesting how these slogans enter the zeitgeist and stick around long after they've quit being used for adverts. I still hear "Where's the beef?", the ubiquitous Wendy's commercial from 1984 being used as a punchline for jokes and replies to people griping about something inconsequential.
I remember other Coca-Cola slogans from my youth: "It's the real thing." (1969) and "I'd like to buy the world a Coke", the basis for the song "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing". (1971)
Another classic slogan for Coke was "Things go better with Coke". (1963) I remember that one being used in TV ad campaigns and also because there was a joke that went through the rounds during that time when I was in grade school:
"What did dinosaurs used to eat?"
"I dunno, leaves and plants, I guess."
"Nope. Things. Know what dinosaurs used to drink?"
"What?"
"Coke. Know why?"
"Why?"
" 'Cause things go better with Coke."
A few years before they passed away, I went along with my folks on a trip to Lubbock, taking my mom to her eye doctor. We had stopped and had breakfast and I had consumed several cups of coffee along with the meal. About halfway to Lubbock, my back teeth were floating, if you catch my drift.
I suffered in silence for quite a few miles, knowing my dad didn't like to stop for anything during road trips, but I eventually had to speak up because it was starting to be very uncomfortable. We spied a truck stop and almost before Dad stopped, I was out of the car. I ran into the building and quickly found a bathroom.
Dad came into while I was standing at the urinal and went to a stall. (I must have inherited my "potty blush" from him ) From the sound of it, he needed to go nearly as badly as I did. I was washing my hands when Dad came out of the stall and started washing his own hands. We didn't speak, but suddenly Pop said: "Y'know, Coca-Cola had it all wrong."
"How's that, Dad?" I asked.
"THIS is the pause that refreshes." he said with a grin on his face.
Try your luck at this contest. We've provided a slogan below. Can you guess the product?
Slogan -"The Pause that Refreshes"
I knew it without having to do a search. From the Wiki entry Coca-Cola slogans, "the pause that refreshes" was first used in 1929. It's interesting how these slogans enter the zeitgeist and stick around long after they've quit being used for adverts. I still hear "Where's the beef?", the ubiquitous Wendy's commercial from 1984 being used as a punchline for jokes and replies to people griping about something inconsequential.
I remember other Coca-Cola slogans from my youth: "It's the real thing." (1969) and "I'd like to buy the world a Coke", the basis for the song "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing". (1971)
Another classic slogan for Coke was "Things go better with Coke". (1963) I remember that one being used in TV ad campaigns and also because there was a joke that went through the rounds during that time when I was in grade school:
"What did dinosaurs used to eat?"
"I dunno, leaves and plants, I guess."
"Nope. Things. Know what dinosaurs used to drink?"
"What?"
"Coke. Know why?"
"Why?"
" 'Cause things go better with Coke."
A few years before they passed away, I went along with my folks on a trip to Lubbock, taking my mom to her eye doctor. We had stopped and had breakfast and I had consumed several cups of coffee along with the meal. About halfway to Lubbock, my back teeth were floating, if you catch my drift.
I suffered in silence for quite a few miles, knowing my dad didn't like to stop for anything during road trips, but I eventually had to speak up because it was starting to be very uncomfortable. We spied a truck stop and almost before Dad stopped, I was out of the car. I ran into the building and quickly found a bathroom.
Dad came into while I was standing at the urinal and went to a stall. (I must have inherited my "potty blush" from him ) From the sound of it, he needed to go nearly as badly as I did. I was washing my hands when Dad came out of the stall and started washing his own hands. We didn't speak, but suddenly Pop said: "Y'know, Coca-Cola had it all wrong."
"How's that, Dad?" I asked.
"THIS is the pause that refreshes." he said with a grin on his face.
March 9, 2012
College Letters
From the archives:
College Letters
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
archives:College Letters
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
August 29, 2010
Figure Skating
Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating:
"I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I don't know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, I'd skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. 'Now when you're nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why we're not on it.'"
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