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Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

May 14, 2017

That's Weird

Weird doesn't follow the "i before e" rule.

That's pretty weird.

May 12, 2017

The Difference An "R" Makes

Too funny and a weird coincidence:  I was just checking my Facebook news feed and saw one of those hilarious greeting cards on a wall, but what they described on it happened to me just yesterday!

I was flipping through the channels and stopped on Batman Begins but it had already been on for thirty minutes or so and I wanted to watch the entire thing, so I didn't stay long. I watched long enough to see a scene with the young Jim Gordon and the actor looked familiar so I went to IMDb to see the cast of characters and found out the actor was Gary Oldman. To be honest, I wasn't all that familiar with him until his recent role as Sirius Black in several of the Harry Potter movies.  I had seen him in several of his earlier movies, such as JFK and Hannibal, but I guess he just didn't make that much of an impression on me or I didn't recognize him in the different roles.

I went to Google to view some of his photographs just to see how he's aged over the years and how he looked in other movie roles.  I quickly typed in his name, but made a typo.

Trust me, you don't really want to view the pics of "Gay Oldman". (well, maybe you DO, but I sure didn't.)

April 26, 2017

Meat Cards

Meat Cards: Business cards made from MEAT AND LASERS


From the website:

We start with 100% beef jerky, and SEAR your contact information into it with a 150 WATT CO2 LASER.

Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients: MEAT AND LASERS.

Unlike other business cards, MEAT CARDS will retain value after the econopocalypse. Hoard and barter your calorie-rich, life-sustaining cards.

MEAT CARDS do not fit in a Rolodex, because their deliciousness CANNOT BE CONTAINED in a Rolodex.

meatcards.com

April 23, 2017

Older Than Dirt Quiz

From the  photo email10.gif archives 

How many of these can you remember? 

Get your score at the end of the quiz.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels...if you were fortunate)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15.S&H green stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22.Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers


If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

April 7, 2017

Dear Gifty

sweety gifty sweetygifty1y@gmail.com
   
Hello handsome,How are you feeling today...My name is Gifty and would like to chat and get to know more about you for us to see where it goes,am single and looking for my soul mate..let me know if your"re interested...hope to hear from you soon...

Most of my spam of this nature has been w/out pics here lately, but at least this one sent some w/ this mail:

(Click any pic for larger view)





Dear Gifty,

You're a nice lookin' young woman, but as with most of these emails, I suspect you're actually some 37 yr. old Russian spammer sitting in a chilly flat in Moscow who lifted these photos off some poor girl's social media page and if we DID actually exchange emails, I'm sure you'll be wanting me to send you some money or at least to direct me to some pay-for-porn website.

Be that as it may, if you ARE actually "Gifty", I'd be less-than-honest if I didn't point out that I'm certainly old enough to be your grandfather.  Thanks for the offer, though, but I'll have to pass.

"How do I feel"?  More than a little wary, sweetheart.  I'm just too old to deal with an STD at my age.  That would be the Gifty than just keeps on giftying.

Regards,
Mike

March 8, 2017

Which gift would you like?

From the   photo email12.gif  archives.



Your Personality Determined By Which Gift You Choose




Which gift would you like?

To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive...Make the choice now before you go on...don't look until you've made your choice!

1. Candy

2. Flowers

3. A sweet poem

4. Sex

5. Dinner/Dancing

6. Waffle iron

Answers in comment section!

February 1, 2017

January 7, 2017

The Other Side of the World

Find out where the other side of the world is from your location at antipodr
According to the website, the other side of the world from here is in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

other side of the world

Which means that, even if I dug a really deep hole, I wouldn't wind up in China.

December 7, 2016

Encounter With Santa

I went to get some water yesterday evening, but the Culligan store had suffered some vandalism and the vending machine was boarded up. I drove out to the water kiosk in the mall parking lot to use that one, then after I was done, decided I'd get some gasoline at the station at the entrance to Walmart.

While I was pumping my gas, a van drove up next to me and Santa Claus got out! I told him "Hey, man! Why haven't you been to see me lately? It's been over 40 yrs.!"

He looked up from putting the gas nozzle in his tank and wryly said:

"Well, you must've been a BAD boy."

Hard to argue with that!



November 2, 2016

Mule Medicine

To cure a cold, kiss a mule.


I'd hate to think what you'd have to do for a fever.

October 30, 2016

Boney Dreams

Dreaming of a skeleton on display may signify new, fascinating friends or coming events.

Or, it could mean you've got a hankerin' for some ribs.

October 27, 2016

Halloween Tang Toungler


Try saying this tongue tangler three times fast:

"Which witch wished which wicked witch?"

October 23, 2016

TWI - Talking While Intoxicated

From the   Email animation  archives

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiation


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"

"Nope, no more booze for me"

"Sorry, but you're not really my type"

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"

"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."