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Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

July 7, 2017

Dysania

Dysania - the state of finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning.



There's a simple remedy for that;  sleep past noon!


July 1, 2017

Transurphobia

Transurphobia - the fear of haircuts.

Understandable.


My pop used to cut my hair when I was a kid, an easy way to save a buck.  My folks bought a pair of clippers, not the electric kind, but manually operated and they were horrible, pulling out hair and I guess I carried on so much they bought electric clippers.  They were better, but it was still the same type of haircut, a close burr, a "buzz cut".   Oh well, it was better than a "Moe bowl-type" cut.



When I got older and a little less timid, I challenged my pop to let ME buzz HIS head.  He started taking me to the barber then, think it was something like $1.25 for a haircut.  I didn't like the hometown barber and neither did my dad...who called him "the Montana sheep shearer".  I liked the guy, but agreed with my father and always thought a sheep shearer might very well have been more gentle than him.  (The space between my ears and scalp was always nicked and bleeding after every hair cut.  That wouldn't have been so bad, but I wore glasses and the ear pieces would keep the minor wounds raw and irritated. )

When I was old enough to make my own money with summer jobs, I started paying for my own haircuts, but they were two bucks by then, the same as the hourly minimum wage.  A well-to-do classmate always had great looking haircuts and he talked me into going to his barber...who charged the then-outrageous price of $7.50!   That could have filled up my car, taken a date to the movies and maybe even enough left over to buy her some popcorn!  The last haircut I got was $12.50, not counting the tip...and considerably more than the hourly minimum wage at the time.
So, since my hairline was receding with every passing year, I bought my own set of clippers and started buzzing my own head.   I tried shaving it, but that was too much of a hassle, just better to take the clippers to what few hairs I have left.  The best thing is that just a couple of self-haircuts can pay for the clippers. 

What I'd like to know is why the hair on my head is disappearing and multiplying in my nose and ears?

June 24, 2017

I Guess That's Why

He's called "The King of the Jungle". 

From today's trivia calendar: 

A lion sleeps for 20 hours a day.

And this one from last week - I didn't post it because while it's a natural thing, I did think it was a little inappropriate for my "G" rated blog:

(and especially considering the jokes I could have made about it)

Lions sometimes mate up to 40 times a day.

OK, I'm not great at math, but if a lion is only awake for four hours each day and in that time he's mating up to 40 times...no wonder he sleeps most of the day away.


June 16, 2017

Angry Spam

This was in my spam folder this morning, and I'd have to say it's a novel approach to getting someone to click on a link.

I will obfuscate some of the cursing with hash tags / # # but I found it odd that the spammer did it with asterisks / *** on the "F bombs" they dropped. I mean...in for a penny, in for a pound, right?  Why do it on the F bombs but not the other equally offensive cursing?

The subject line was this: I WILL REPORT YOU. YOU PIECE OF S##T...F.U..

Like I said, it got my attention, more than "Remember me and the passionate night we spent together?" or "Grow It Larger!"spam I normally get.

Riley Johnson RileyJokVzs@gtwabzsv.he via server.lifassurance.org

Riley Johnson reply@boopiler.com

Hey,

Stop stalking me and my friend or I will report you. You piece of s##t, c##k-su##er douche. I do not know why you are doing this! You slept together once, only once. It does not mean anything. Have not you heard of hook up?  So, f*** off and leave us alone

F*** You.



How did I know it was spam? Well, if someone is THAT angry, they're more likely to come see you in person and punch you in the nose. Personally, I'd rather spend the night in jail than have my ISP ban me forever for sending out threats. Secondly, I don't know anyone named Riley Johnson. Third, if the spammer only knew how long it had been since I last had a "hook up" or slept with anyone "only once" (or at all), they'd not bother sending me any spam.

Plus, whoever it is Riley is with, he/she sure is cheating a LOT on him.

June 12, 2017

Can You Hear Me Now?

Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never phoned his wife or his mother.

They were both deaf.

And, in case you didn't get the rather insensitive joke in the title of this post, here's its origin:



...although he's since gone over to Sprint.

And a ToTG public service announcement:  if someone calls you and asks you a question or speaks very faintly and you complain they need to speak up and they "make an adjustment" and in a louder voice "Can you hear me now?", do NOT say "Yes." which might lead to them using that to change your long-distance service.   Some sources on the 'net say it's not a proven scam, but best to not take chances.  At the least, you'll be telling the possible scammer on the other end of the line that it's a working phone number. 

Personally, if I don't recognize the number, I don't answer. 

June 7, 2017

May 14, 2017

That's Weird

Weird doesn't follow the "i before e" rule.

That's pretty weird.

May 12, 2017

The Difference An "R" Makes

Too funny and a weird coincidence:  I was just checking my Facebook news feed and saw one of those hilarious greeting cards on a wall, but what they described on it happened to me just yesterday!

I was flipping through the channels and stopped on Batman Begins but it had already been on for thirty minutes or so and I wanted to watch the entire thing, so I didn't stay long. I watched long enough to see a scene with the young Jim Gordon and the actor looked familiar so I went to IMDb to see the cast of characters and found out the actor was Gary Oldman. To be honest, I wasn't all that familiar with him until his recent role as Sirius Black in several of the Harry Potter movies.  I had seen him in several of his earlier movies, such as JFK and Hannibal, but I guess he just didn't make that much of an impression on me or I didn't recognize him in the different roles.

I went to Google to view some of his photographs just to see how he's aged over the years and how he looked in other movie roles.  I quickly typed in his name, but made a typo.

Trust me, you don't really want to view the pics of "Gay Oldman". (well, maybe you DO, but I sure didn't.)

April 26, 2017

Meat Cards

Meat Cards: Business cards made from MEAT AND LASERS


From the website:

We start with 100% beef jerky, and SEAR your contact information into it with a 150 WATT CO2 LASER.

Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients: MEAT AND LASERS.

Unlike other business cards, MEAT CARDS will retain value after the econopocalypse. Hoard and barter your calorie-rich, life-sustaining cards.

MEAT CARDS do not fit in a Rolodex, because their deliciousness CANNOT BE CONTAINED in a Rolodex.

meatcards.com

April 23, 2017

Older Than Dirt Quiz

From the  photo email10.gif archives 

How many of these can you remember? 

Get your score at the end of the quiz.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels...if you were fortunate)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15.S&H green stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22.Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers


If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

April 7, 2017

Dear Gifty

sweety gifty sweetygifty1y@gmail.com
   
Hello handsome,How are you feeling today...My name is Gifty and would like to chat and get to know more about you for us to see where it goes,am single and looking for my soul mate..let me know if your"re interested...hope to hear from you soon...

Most of my spam of this nature has been w/out pics here lately, but at least this one sent some w/ this mail:

(Click any pic for larger view)





Dear Gifty,

You're a nice lookin' young woman, but as with most of these emails, I suspect you're actually some 37 yr. old Russian spammer sitting in a chilly flat in Moscow who lifted these photos off some poor girl's social media page and if we DID actually exchange emails, I'm sure you'll be wanting me to send you some money or at least to direct me to some pay-for-porn website.

Be that as it may, if you ARE actually "Gifty", I'd be less-than-honest if I didn't point out that I'm certainly old enough to be your grandfather.  Thanks for the offer, though, but I'll have to pass.

"How do I feel"?  More than a little wary, sweetheart.  I'm just too old to deal with an STD at my age.  That would be the Gifty than just keeps on giftying.

Regards,
Mike

March 8, 2017

Which gift would you like?

From the   photo email12.gif  archives.



Your Personality Determined By Which Gift You Choose




Which gift would you like?

To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive...Make the choice now before you go on...don't look until you've made your choice!

1. Candy

2. Flowers

3. A sweet poem

4. Sex

5. Dinner/Dancing

6. Waffle iron

Answers in comment section!

February 1, 2017

January 7, 2017

The Other Side of the World

Find out where the other side of the world is from your location at antipodr
According to the website, the other side of the world from here is in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

other side of the world

Which means that, even if I dug a really deep hole, I wouldn't wind up in China.

December 7, 2016

Encounter With Santa

I went to get some water yesterday evening, but the Culligan store had suffered some vandalism and the vending machine was boarded up. I drove out to the water kiosk in the mall parking lot to use that one, then after I was done, decided I'd get some gasoline at the station at the entrance to Walmart.

While I was pumping my gas, a van drove up next to me and Santa Claus got out! I told him "Hey, man! Why haven't you been to see me lately? It's been over 40 yrs.!"

He looked up from putting the gas nozzle in his tank and wryly said:

"Well, you must've been a BAD boy."

Hard to argue with that!