Skunk Calls

I've written twice about my recent skunk problem, first in This Really Stinks! and the second time in The Skunk is on the Porch; now I've got a brand new problem.

The skunk is still around, even though I've been a lot more careful about feeding the stray cat. I put her food up on a lawn chair, but she's so stupid, I have to pick her up and put her up there; she just can't seem to figure out that's where she needs to eat. Sometimes I put the food in the bed of my pickup and for some reason, she knows that's where she has to eat. I don't really like going out in the dark to my vehicle though, afraid that I'll step on the skunk.

Just the other night, I opened up the screen door to let the Beej out, but he hesitated and hissed; that's not unusual, because the stray cat is usually hanging around wanting to be fed. (I'm not sure she's pregnant, btw...I think she's eating so well she's gaining a LOT of weight) B despises her and hisses if she gets too close to him. He usually isn't any more aggressive than that, but I've seen him take a swat or two at her in annoyance. Anyway...I had the door cracked, not enough to let the Beej out because I didn't want a fight, but he wouldn't go out. He kept hissing and spitting and I figured the stray just wouldn't move out of his way.

Grabbing a flashlight, I shined it through the screen and saw it was the skunk! No wonder the Beej didn't want outside! I kicked the bottom of the screen door and the skunk hopped off the porch. I let B out and he wisely went off the other end of the porch.

Then, last night, I figured B would want in, so I called for him "Here kitty-kitty-kitty!". This usually brings him in if he's ready (if he's not, he just ignores me) It also has the effect of bringing the stray to the porch, too. I called a second time and here came my cat, followed by the stray....and then followed by the skunk! I guess it's become conditioned to the call, knowing that not soon after the cats come to the porch, there will most likely be food set out.

The outside food has also been an attraction to any stray dogs roaming the neighborhood, as well as other cats. I've been pricing BB and pellet guns at WalMart, thinking if I put the hurt on 'em, they'll never come back, but if they're hungry....

I really don't want to shoot the skunk (with a .22 and certainly not a BB gun -I'd rather have it dead than P.O.'d) and certainly don't want to call animal control, as they'll trap the skunk and the stray (where, odds are, she'll most likely be gassed w/ carbon monoxide from a running vehicle, the method used here in town) or even B. As I've mentioned, he keeps losing his tags and collar. I could bail him out of "jail", but that's something like 30 bucks or more. I have a couple of traps courtesy of my nephew who used to work for animal control in another town. I figure if I bait the trap, then put a large plastic bag over the entire trap -except for the door end - and then run a string to the gate latch, I'll be able to pick up the trap, take it outside of town and pulling the string, open up the door from a safe distance and letting the skunk go w/out harm.

I really need this skunk GONE; sooner or later, one of the cats will get sprayed. If it's the stray, no big deal, her tough luck. If it's the Beej, he'll have to stay outside until the stink wears off and that could be a long time. My main worry is rabies; skunks are notorious carriers of the deadly disease and that's all I need to have the infection spread to not only the stray, but to my beloved B and then perhaps to me!

The Skunk is on the Porch

I repeat: the skunk is on the porch.

Sounds like a coded radio message used prior to the D-Day landings, huh?

A few days ago I wrote about a skunk hanging around and I've since changed the outside cat's feeding procedure. I don't leave any food out for her, just enough to eat in one sitting and I pick up the foam plate after she's done. It's probably not as much food as she'd like, but I think it's more than enough to keep her alive and if she doesn't like it, she's more than welcome to go somewhere else.

I opened up the door earlier tonight to see if the Beej was ready to come in and eat something and a large bushy tail was just a foot in front of the door. As I reached down to give it a yank, I saw the female cat standing on the edge of the porch. Yup, was the skunk and I'm glad I didn't give the tail a yank. It was on the porch again later, and is currently out there as I type. I don't know what I'm gonna do about it; I have a small animal trap I used to capture the possums last summer, and I'm sure I could catch the skunk, too, but what would I do after I caught it? I *think* I could throw an old blanket over the trap to protect me from getting sprayed or to calm the animal while I picked up the cage to put in the back of my truck, but how the hell would I get the door open after going somewhere to release it?

It's that stay cat's fault, so to keep from having to put food out that will attract the skunk, she'll have to go. I hate to think of taking her to the pound, but I don't know of any other thing to do - no one is going to want a stray cat that's not been fixed or had its shots, but OTOH, if I take her to the pound, there's a near 100% chance of her getting...well, you know. I think maybe I might just have to shoot the skunk.

Maybe I could trap the skunk, then call animal control. They'd see that cat, then trap it too, or worse yet, see the Beej w/out a tag (he keeps losing them) and want to trap him, too. Like I said, looks like I'll have to shoot the skunk. Damn.

This Really Stinks!

"I stink, therefore I am."

Fed the Beej earlier;  he's been eating so much lately, I opened up two pouches for him, figuring I'd mix a little hard food with what he didn't eat and give it to the cat that's adopted us.

She's a fussy little heifer, turning up her nose at the cheap hard food and leaves nearly all of it and then the ants swarm over it and making me have to throw it away.  She ate most of what I put out this time, though and to keep the ants from getting all over it I gave the remains a pitch just off the porch.  It was starting to sprinkle and I figured the rain would "melt" it.

I looked outside later to see if the Beej wanted in from the rain, but my porch light was burned out.  I grabbed a flashlight I keep handy and shined the light, looking for my cat.  I saw a bushy tail poking up from the side of the porch and thought "Well, you little *&^$%#@!  You won't eat it from the dish, but you'll scarf it up off the ground!"  I took the couple of steps over to the edge of the porch, then a movement caught my eye.  It was the other cat...hmmm, wonder wonder what cat it is eating that food on the ground?

One quick look with the beam of the flashlight told me all I needed to know.  It was a skunk and my movement towards it had made it turn backwards towards me, tail up in the air, its backside quivering, ready to fire.  I wasn't but a foot or two away from it!

I got back inside as quickly as possible.  Peeking out the door and shining the light, I saw the skunk had gone away.  Thinking that maybe I could pour some strong-scented cleaner on the ground to deter it from hanging around, I grabbed the bottle from under the sink only to find the skunk had gone back to eating.  As soon as the light hit it, it resumed its "offensive" position again.  I shooed it away several times, but it kept coming back.  I even threw an old slipper at it but that didn't keep it away for very long.  I figured I was pushing my luck, so I left it alone.

For a few seconds, I thought of getting out a .22 pistol and shooting it.  I keep bird shot in one pistol -never have used it, but I would if a dog was harassing my old cat-varmint.  It didn't take long for me to figure out that might be a bad idea, esp. if any shot ricocheted or I missed, because my truck was right behind the skunk. 

I hope it's gone by the morning;  I hate being held hostage in my own house by something smaller than a cat.   I hope B doesn't smell like a skunk in the morning or he'll have to take his meals outside.  I'll have to feed the other cat up on a lawn chair in hopes the skunk can't get up there.

Drunk as a Skunk

I really like this one; would be cool to print out and frame if I had a basement rec. room. I'd call it "Stinky Leroy's Bar & Grill".

I've always thought I'd like to own a bar, but I know it'd only be fun for a little while, kinda like being married to a nymphomaniac.

Not a Skunk

Dead porcupine in the middle of the road
South of Canadian River bridge
Hwy 70

Not a spam one!

Hello.
Please, do not be surprise - this letter is not a spam one.

You will probably be amazed of the fact that I am writing you an e-mail. Yesterday I myself was amazed too, when saw your letter in my e-mail box. The letter was about love and sensations among people. The motto of the letter was like this search for love and you ll become happy. I liked this letter very much. There was a list of e-mails where I found yours. I decided to write you. Maybe you are seeking love too? Maybe it s our destiny?

I do not know actually who was the person that had sent me that e-mail and how did he get my e-mail address.

I think it is not important. The most amazing thing is that I can write you. I would like to know more about you. Providing that it is me who is the first to write, I want to say some words of my personality.

My name is Anastasiya. I am 30 years old. I have never been married and have no children. I am cute, calm, kind and sociable.

I think it is interesting to talk with you and discover new features of yours Discover you as a person. I am a serious woman and I am looking for serious relations. For me it means no deception, no double jokes. I am looking for a real person who will manage to love and respect me. I hope you are searching for your love, too.

I do not think that in love-relations age and appearance have any importance. The chief factor for me is ability to love and respect seriously!

I have lots of hobbies and interests in life. Among them you will find sport, cooking, books reading and definitely music. I am going crazy about housekeeping and house holding. I like tiding up and general cleaning. I am keen on experimenting in my kitchen. I love changes. I am fond of animals and prefer to lead a healthy lifestyle, thus, I do not smoke or use alcohol.

Hey, my new pen-friend. What can you tell me about yourself? I want to learn more about you. In my future letter I will describe my character and my personality more precisely.

Definitely, I will send you some of my photographs. It will help you to understand who I am and where I live. My photos will reveal all parts of my life my happiness, my pensiveness and sometimes melancholy.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail: yaroslavllady1978@gmail.com

I am looking forward to your reply. I am really interested in knowing you better.

Remember of me.
Your new friend,
Anastasiya.



Dear Anastasiya,

I think you're lying to me. You say you're "calm and sociable" then you say you don't drink or smoke. Drinking and smoking keeps ME calm and sociable.

You also said you're going crazy "about housekeeping and house holding". Uh, you might want to think about taking up drinking and smoking. For example, if you smoke while running the vacuum, you don't even have to use an ash tray and there's a lot to be said for doing the dishes while drunk as a skunk.

I'm interested in "experimenting" in the kitchen, too.

On second thought, I bet you were talking about cooking, weren't you?

One thing I believe you on, though; your letter really isn't spam.

It's a crock.

Yours truly,
Mike

P.S. Next letter, when you send those photos, don't reveal your happiness, your pensiveness and sometimes melancholy. Just reveal yourself.

eructation

eructation \ih-ruhk-TAY-shuhn\, noun;
1. The act of belching; a belch.

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Oh yeah, calling the act of belching "eructation" makes it so much more classy.

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Edit to add something that triggered an old memory and probably should be left unmentioned, but what the heck, huh?

I used to roughneck on a drilling rig with a guy - he was on the daylight shift, the crew that relieved mine; I worked morning tour and would try my best to either be dressed before he got there or would wait until he had dressed and was gone from the doghouse.

He was an obnoxious jerk, and I tried to avoid him as best as I could, but that wasn't the reason I didn't want to be around him; no, it was because he had a horrible habit of belching with such velocity that it was like a punch in the face even standing at the other end of the doghouse. I cannot describe his "eructation" with the horrible accuracy it deserves, but his burps smelled like a flatulent skunk which had eaten rotten eggs and lived in a septic tank.

The guy drank beer all the time, even sneaking a few out on the rig when he could get by with it. He often bragged about knocking back a case of beer after work and I had personally seen him peel an onion and eat it like an apple. He was also partial to some sort of odorous, soft, runny cheese; I don't remember the name of the cheese, but it smelled like stinky feet. It was no wonder his burps smelled so bad, especially after beer, raw onions and cheese aged in a dirty sock had been fermenting in his stomach all night. Bless his poor wife.

His burps were far worse than any, ANY fart I've ever had the misfortune to smell.

A few years later I was out of a job because of one of the several oil field recessions I went though in my roughnecking career. I was offered work by a man I really liked and respected, but when I found out the "burper" was on the crew, I had to decline. I could only imagine how bad it would be to ride back and forth to and from work with him.

I'm Milking These Goats

Uh, milking these goat photos, should say, for all they're worth, anyway.

Here's another shot, very similar to another one of the same goat.



But, I HAVE milked a goat. We had goats when I was growing up; oh, not a lot of 'em, but my dad (as he was prone to do) did some trading for a few of them. I think he had some sort of vision of being a goat rancher, or maybe he was just drunk as a skunk when he traded for them. We did have a nanny and I milked her for my dad's now-and-then glass of raw goat milk. Gag. My show pig and the cats and dogs we always had got the most of it until the nanny had a kid.

I remember it well; I had just turned 16, got my driver's license and a beat up '62 Pontiac Tempest (similar to a Corvair) for fifty bucks. Me 'n Dad had worked on that thing for quite a while, overhauling the tranny and fixin' some cancer spots on it and painting it back to the surprisingly lovely original maroon color. All-in-all, it was a pretty good job, considerin' it had all been done in the garage.

Then we got the goats.

Goats, as you may or may not know, are climbers, and they shunned all of our other vehicles in order to perch on top of my new/used car. Of course, the paint job went to hell under their cloven hoofs, and no matter what I did to them -- siccin' the dog on 'em, runnin' out and yellin' at them or even pepperin' 'em with my trusty childhood Daisy BB gun did the trick and kept them off the top of my precious little car.

The little female goats were pretty sweet, other than the fact that they enjoyed using my Pontiac as a substitute for a rocky craig. The billy, though...he was a piece of work. I do not know why male goats do this, but he was like all the others I've seen or heard about, and liked to pee on his whiskers and consequently stunk to high heaven. It's supposed to be an attraction to female goats, but I'm not for sure that it'd work on human girls.

I got the pressure to reach MY chin, but I can't grow a beard anyway, so.....

That goat sure tasted good though, later that summer, barbequed for several hours over hot coals in a pit I gladly helped dig in an empty spot out in the garden. This came about when, after Dad had bought a nice, but used Chrysler, the goats found it to be a better vantage point than my car. The female goats escaped the billy's fate, being traded to some Mexican for an old Dodge pickup. Come to think of it, they probably wound up in tamales anyway.

Bet they were good.

(this is basically the text of an email I sent to my friend Barb after she sent me some photos of her own new goats. I had to clean it up to post it here.)

But I'm Not a Stinker

You Are a Skunk

You are confident about your place in the world, and you've happily carved out your own niche. You have a strong personality, and you have no desire to lead or follow anyone. You don't think that you are strange, but others tend to think you are a bit eccentric. You are brilliant and a rule breaker. Social graces don't come easily for you.

What Black and White Animal Are You?

Maybe this blog needs a category for skunks.

The title of the post is an inside joke, btw. I'm only a stinker to those with their noses in the air.  Things aren't always black and white;  life has shades of gray, after all.