Was sitting here earlier and heard on the TV that the MegaMillions jackpot was over 200 million. I play the lottery some, not always, but try to buy a ticket when the jackpot is enormous as it is now.
So, I jumped in my truck and drove the short distance to the nearest liquor store that sells lotto tickets; while I was there, I saw a couple of people I know and had a conversation with the clerks about some new products.
(one of which is a cream-based "shooter" packaged in a sperm-looking bottle. Sheesh)
As I was standing there talking, a young woman came in and bought some things. She was pretty, but a little bit overweight and having a few extra pounds might be the reason her fly zipper on her jeans was wide open!
Now, that's happened to nearly every guy I know and it's always accompanied by laughter and shouts of "Hey, yer barn door's open!" and "XYZ!" (examine your zipper!)
The problem was this: Is it appropriate to say the same thing to a girl? I was torn between laughing out loud and mentioning to her in a low voice that she "had a problem". I didn't want to humiliate her any more than necessary, but she really needed to be told...she really did...but I didn't have the courage to say anything.
Why did she really need to be told?
Well, for the main thing, she wasn't wearing any underwear.
December 12, 2008
XYZ!
Welcome to America!
A big red, white and blue welcome to Alison, my online bud Garazon's betrothed.
Over the last few days, I've been reading his posts in his blog as he counted down the hours unti Alison came over here for good. I've felt like a third-wheel...which I'm used to being...especially when Alison would reply to his public declarations of love for her. I'd post, but would feel like I was intruding!
Bless their hearts, they met several years ago, both of them having lost their spouses and developed their love affair even before they had even met. I know, from personal experience, that you CAN fall in love before even laying eyes on the other person...and actually, I think that might even be better than the proverbial "love at first sight" because you can get to know them without the added pressure of a possible physical affair. (sexual tension, guess it would be)
I had a very good friend I met online, and we developed something similar (I'd like to think) a long time before we ever met in person. My friend (let's call her....oh..."elle") elle and I knew that we had something special because of the thousands of emails and hours we spent chatting on IM.
We never really mentioned "that" until we had decided to meet. At first, I was going to fly to England and we were making plans. I don't know what made me say it (and I don't know why I say a LOT of things) but thinking about the physical part made me nervous and as I do many times, I made a joke out of it.
"Y'know...." I told her late one night while on messenger "It's been a LONG time for me."
"Me too." came the reply.
"It's been a REALLY LONG time." I typed, hoping she'd understand what I meant.
"Me too." came the quick answer.
Good, we were on the same page. I was blushing and there was no one there to see me. I was squirming in my chair, hoping I hadn't been too rude, too presumptious, but even my anxiety didn't stop me from cracking wise.
"It's been so long, honey....well, all I gotta say is you'd better have a mattress strapped to your back when you meet me at the airport."
As soon as I hit "Send" on that last bit, I regretted it. I bet I had crossed the line. I sat there, turning even a more deeper shade of crimson.
It wasn't but a few seconds until her reply came on the screen:
"You'd better be the first man off the plane."
Welcome to America, Alison! Home of hot dogs, apple pie and very bad jokes.
December 11, 2008
The Peacock
From the email archives:
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Simply Saccharine Sweet
You're Totally Sarcastic |
 You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitude, then too bad. So sad. |
