Maybe You Won't Be Lonely

With a million spam emails to keep you busy.

I've had a GMail account for a long time, but never used the filters.  Recently I've been deluged with spam and even though I can mark it as such, it still comes in droves.  I still have to check the junk mail to make sure a legitimate email doesn't escape my attention and it takes some time to do a cursory scan of the hundreds of mails that hit the folder every day.

Now I've taken the time to set several filters with keywords in the subject line such as "sex - viagra - cialis - free- AARP - discount - drugs", etc. If you want to email me, make sure you don't put one of those words in the subject line or it will go straight to the deleted folder.

Here lately I've been getting dozens of mails every day from:

sexymilf008@gmail.com

Saying this:

"Mike I am Horny and Lonely Want to Chat"

First of all, I know these are just scams, intended to prey upon the gullible. Secondly, I can't understand why they think if one doesn't work why several hundred a week would? In the third place, if I'm horny the last thing I want to do is chat. Sheesh.

I've decided to mete out a small measure of revenge and publish the originating email addys.  I'm sure the Gmail one posted above isn't a valid one, but the ones in the headers most likely are since they point to a domain of which the sole purpose is to bilk people out of money.  So, I've decided to post the addresses in hopes that this post will be trawled by email harvesting bots - and I'm sure it will be - and that their domains are inundated with spam just like they have done to me.

Here's the first block of addresses and I will do another post when I've collected more:

info@twowheeldrivemanufacturers.com
info@onlinecareersolution.com
info@discountbrandvaluetips.com
info@surgerytipsfordummies.info
info@steviacookiediet.com
info@washfuelcellsforce.com
info@chautauquaworld.com
info@mobileworksuccess.com
info@storecouponvaluetips.com

I'm not really for the death penalty, but if I were on a jury trying these scammin' SOBs I'd sentence them to death.   I'd slice open their femoral artery and then drop 'em in a shark tank. 

Bastards.

Famous Last Words

From the email archives:

Famous Last Words


"It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...".

"Don't touch the red button!"

"Gee, that's a cute tattoo."

It's fireproof.

"What does this button do?"

"So, you're a cannibal."

"Are you sure the power is off?"

"Pull the pin and count to what?"

"Don’t worry, it has airbags."

"Hey, what’s that buzzing noise?"

"Don’t worry, it's not that deep."

"One time at band camp...."

"No, he doesn’t bite."

"Hey, look! A light at the end of the tunnel!"

"I can pass this guy."

"My brakes are fine."

"Nice doggy."

"I think it's trying to communicate..."

"Homicidal Tendencies"?

"Nah, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."

Psychiatric Hotline Voice Mail

From the archives:

---

RING...RING...click

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

When the Conversation Stalls

From the archives:

---

This could happen to you!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doing' just fine!"

And the other person says:

"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here. "

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:

"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:

"No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say, nervously:

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!"

Email Cover

This free service hides your email address in a CAPTCHA image to help prevent spam email being sent to your email address.

The service also provides text and image links to use in forums and msg. boards.



emailcover.com

I Need a Date

I get a LOT of free samples because that's one of my online "hobbies". Many of the freebies are subscriptions to various magazines; I get, on average, at least one magazine a day. Granted, many of the magazines that are complimentary are not mainstream magazines, but they're free and it's something to read, two of my favorite things.

A few of the magazine subscriptions are fairly well-known ones, though, and even if I don't do much more than glance through them, I make sure they go to someone who will appreciate the reading material. For example, I get several parenting-type magazines along with some geared to children's activities. I give those to a young lady at a local business and she enjoys reading them when business is slow. I also take many to the people who own a laundry here in town and they put them out for the folks who are waiting on their clothes to get done. Sometimes I take them to the hospital where they'll be distributed through the waiting rooms.

I've also taken magazines down to the Good Samaritan (a charity organization sponsored by several local churches), but I have to "censor" what I take there. Just the other day I had a box full of magazines I had already read, plus quite a few of the type I don't read. I drove to Good Sam's, but when I picked up the box, the magazine on top was a "Cosmo" and there were several sexual references on the cover. (How to please your man in bed!, like that) I took that one out of the box, but the next magazine was a Robb Report; I enjoy the magazine, but it's really targeted at the ultra-rich. (On the cover of this particular issue was a Rolls Royce)It didn't seem right taking something like this to a charity, so I took that one out, too. There were a few more magazines like those two, so they went to the laundromat instead.

Back to "I Need a Date".

Not for sure why I get them, but I also get several agriculture-type magazines. I can recall signing up for one, but not the others. One of the bad things about free stuff is the spam it also brings. I have a special GMail acct. for signing up for freebies and have the mail fwd. to my main email address. With some rules, that usually filters out most of the newsletters. Some manage to get though and earlier today I got an email from Nutrient Management:



They want me to attend the Summer Manure Expo but I'd really hate to go alone. Who knows, it might be interesting and besides all that, it'd be the perfect metaphor for my love life.

Excess Baggage

From the archives:

---

When Lindberg was preparing his plane, the Spirit of St. Louis for the first trans-Atlantic flight he was well aware of the danger of being overloaded. The plane, the fuel and the pilot were necessary but all the superflous weight was dangerous. It could cost the trip, the plane, even his own life if he carried even one pound too much weight.

So he stripped his plane of everything that was not essential. He even ripped out the upholstery from the pilots seat, choosing discomfort rather than failure or death. He took only sandwiches and coffee. Before the end of the flight LIndberg had many occasions to see how wise it had been to travel light. He landed safely in Paris amid shouts of praise.

About the same time there were some French fliers who planned a flight westward across the Atlantic. But they thought it was foolish to to strip themselves of every comfort and convenience. Their plane was upholstered and furnished until it was almost luxurious. They took along all kinds of good food and even some champagne.

They started ever so well but out over the ocean they ran into storms and trouble. Their plane may have been too heavy to maneuver or stay aloft and they perished beneath the waves of the Atlantic. Their excess baggage may have cost them their lives!

In the Bible is the solemn question,"What shall it profit a man if he should gain the whole world and lose his own soul?

Hebrews 12:1: "Let us throw off everything that hinders and sin that so easily entangles us."

Stamp of Disapproval

From the email archives:

---

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it, but they noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings.




1. The stamp is in perfect order
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue
3. People are spitting on the wrong side

Deferred Sender

From the website:

Deferred Sender is a free service that allows you to schedule emails from any email application or website to be sent in the future. Send reminders, notifications and more!

Easy to get started! Enter your email address, agree to the ubiquitous terms of service, check your email for instructions to activate your account and start using Deferred Sender!

Deferred Sender

Role Model

From the archives:

---

WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???

Try it without looking at the answers.

1) Pick your Favorite number between 1- 9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again multiply by 3

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

5) Add the digits together


Now scroll down.......






















Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :

1. Albert Einstein

2. Nelson Mandela

3. Margaret Thatcher

4. Warren Buffet

5. Bill Gates

6. Mahatma Gandhi

7. Mother Teresa

8. Adolph Hitler

9. mikeintexas

10. Bono



I know...I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like me.
Do not aspire to less.

PS..Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!

A Half-Minute Made 'Em Mad

Have you seen the latest Minute Maid advert?



I think the woman who plays the nun is really cute and thought she looked familiar, thinking perhaps she was an actress I'd seen in a small part. (or maybe Bebe Neuwirth's daughter) A couple of weeks ago I decided to write the Minute Maid company and ask the identity of the young woman.

In the meantime, in a political forum I sometimes frequent, a Catholic poster was up-in-arms over it, saying she thought it an insult to the Church. Other Catholics chimed in, saying they too were offended. I had to reply, saying I didn't see it that way, that I thought it was an insult to men more than to her religion or to nuns. I understand why Catholics get so defensive, having to defend the Church over something nearly all the time. If it's not pedophile priests (a small percentage of them), it's movies such as "The DaVinci Code" or "The Golden Compass". I do agree with them that Christianity often is attacked and ridiculed in Hollywood.

Be that as it may, I simply don't think this silly little commercial denigrates the Catholic Church at all.

When I was a kid, I had a brilliant science teacher, a full blooded Cherokee Indian. Thanks to grants from the govt. and the tribal council, he went back to school every summer and had at least half a dozen advanced degrees; biology, geology, botany, physics, etc. Why he stooped to teaching a bunch of small town seventh grade knotheads, I'll never know, but perhaps he thought being a teacher a higher calling than research scientist, petroleum engineer or even a college professor.

He took us on several field trips, and was planning on taking some of we kids spelunking near where he grew up in Oklahoma. He was taking a course with some nuns that summer and when he told them about the upcoming cave exploration, they wanted to go.

He asked his wife if she'd get jealous if he took some "single women" along with us on the trip and not even batting an eye, told him:

"As long as you don't get into the habit...."



I got a reply from Minute Maid, btw:

Thank you for contacting The Minute Maid Company. We appreciate your interest in our advertising.

It may surprise you to learn that the contractual agreements with our ad agencies and the talent involved prohibit the release of an actor's identity without their prior consent. Unfortunately, consent has not been granted for this particular ad. We apologize that we cannot respond in a more positive way.

It was a pleasure hearing from you. If you have any additional comments or questions about our advertising, please feel free to contact us again. Best wishes!

Chicquilla
Industry and Consumer Affairs
The Minute Maid Company

Wasn't much of an answer.

Not much better than nun at all.

---

It's often flattering when a post of mine gets linked to, especially if it brings in traffic. (not that I make any money off of it, it's just gratifying) Earlier tonight I noticed a hit on this post, followed the Google search results page and noticed that it had been copied, but not exactly word-for-word.

Strange, very strange. Somehow I'm humorously offended.

---

When trying to find out who the actress playing the nun, I found a post in WikiAnswers asking the same thing. It's since been edited, saying the young woman is Martha Mintz. Spending far more time than I should on it, I still can't definitively say whether she is or isn't. As I said, she looks familiar, and Mintz IS an actress. She has an IMDB page, Facebook listing and a MySpace page, but looking through them I found nothing about Mintz being in the ad. Google Images shows that Ms. Mintz does resemble the woman in the Minute Maid advert, but I'm not convinced. She also has a YouTube account with a small clip of her roles, but I'm still not sure it is her. I've even found the company who produced the spot, but while I'm curious, I'm not curious enough to write them.

Or maybe I am, but not tonight.

Only in America

From the archives:

---

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

If You Love Something

From the archives:

---

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Neck Exercise

From the email archives:

---

How to Clean a Toilet

From the email archives:

---

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.



9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean

Sincerely,

The Dog

A Beautiful Message About Growing Old

From the email archives:

---

A Beautiful Message About Growing Old




Aw hell, I forgot what it was.

The Sears Catalog

From the email archives:

---

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'



The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'



The second redneck replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now. '

'I got her clothes yesterday!'

E-Mail Icon Generator

Generate an email icon for a signature in forums or as a spam-foil on your blog or website with the nifty E-Mail Icon Generator.

Quite a few email providers are listed; GMail, MSN, Hotmail, Yahoo and many others.

Not So Subtle Subliminal

Say What?

From the email archives:

---

"Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine."
- Radio news announcer

"All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium."
- Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster

"We'll be back with the recrap after this message."
- Ralph Kiner, Mets sportscaster

"In the hunt to buy the San Francisco Giants was George Shinn, owner of the Charlotte Harlots." - Ralph Kiner, Mets broadcaster

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
- Ray Forsythe, Clemson recruit, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"While sitting in a tavern, someone hit my nose from behind."
- reason given for insurance claim

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"Mattie's Restaurant and Yogurt Palace, 'An alternative to Good Eating'"
- Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas

"I didn't accept it. I received it."
- Richard Allen, National Security Adviser to former President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

"Mr. Milosevic has to be careful. The calendar is ticking."
- Richard Haas, NBC News consultant