Population Control

Or Holy Guacamole, Batman...you sure can gross a fella out.

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Went to the grocery store late Friday night; I wanted something special to eat for supper, so I bought some fried chicken. I also wanted something to munch on while I watched the weekend's football games, so I got some chocolate covered peanuts and some celery and guacamole dip, some apples.

Since it was so near closing time, most of the registers were closed, so I got in the shortest line (which doesn't mean it will be the speediest). The cashier was a young, otherwise personable girl, but she had the annoying habit of commenting on nearly every item I had. She made a remark about the three different types of apples I had purchased, how the aroma of the chicken was making her hungry, then she got to the small bag of candy.

"Not much in here." she said as she weighed my purchase. I shamefully mumbled that I shouldn't even be eating them at all. She didn't seem to hear me, flipping through the "cheat sheet" for the bulk candy code. I probably should know it by now, but told her the candy was $3.99/lb. and she could ring it up that way. (I think I know most of the codes of the stuff I normally buy and always know the price per lb. or unit)

"Not for sure if it'll work that way." she replied in her perky voice, smiling at me like I was a doddering old fool. (I'm old, and a fool, but not doddering) She leaned over to look more closely at the figures on the laminated sheet, trying to find the number the store used for the candy.

As she leaned over, her blouse gaped open and I looked away....I really did, she was about sixteen for cryin' out loud....but my gaze went to the sack boy and since he was about seventeen, his eyes were glued down her shirt. (reminded me of this game)

"Found it!" she announced, straightening up, her head nearly hitting the young man's. As he tore his eyes away from "whatever" he was looking at, he caught my gaze and immediately knew that I had seen him peeking. His face turned red.

"You wouldn't, would you?" I asked him in a low voice, a wicked grin on my face.

"Yessir," he replied. " ' Fraid I would."

I laughed and turned my attention back to the young woman as she commented on my celery and dip.

"Oh, I just LOVE guacamole!" and went on talking about the dip, how she loved Mexican food, how good avocados are for you.

Yet once again, as I so often do, I spoke without really thinking:

"You probably won't after you've had a baby."

Her eyes narrowed and her eyebrows bent into a "V" shape, showing the first signs of confusion. The boy immediately burst out laughing and explained to her "Poopy diapers." . The confused look went off her face, replaced by one of revulsion. You know the kind, the one only teen-aged girls can get.

"Ooh, gag. Ooh, gross, that'll be $21.65, can't believe you said that, that's sick, oh gosh."

"Sorry." I told her, not meaning it.

Why stop now? I thought.

"Chocolate-covered peanuts used to gross me out, too." I told her. She didn't say anything, but relaxed the "I'm fixin' to vomit" look to one of semi-curiosity.

"Yeah," I went on. "I was over at this neighbor's house one time, an old lady. I was turning on the pilot light on her water heater and after I got done, she offered me something to drink and said I was welcome to the peanuts in a bowl sitting on her coffee table. I accepted and was sitting there with my ice tea, munching on peanuts when she told me " I love those chocolate-covered peanuts, but I can't chew the nuts because of my dentures...."

Both young people looked at me as I drew out the punchline.

"So I just suck the chocolate off of 'em."