The Caveman & Me

That caveman is having to perpetually scratch
Must be a flea in that matted hairy patch
He's got so much hair, he can barely see
A lot more hair, I admit, than I have on me

Remember the time when long hair was the rage?
(If you do, have to say, you're tellin' your age)
Boy's hair was often much longer than girl's
And some guys heads had many more curls

I never did fit in with that hirsute crowd
They'd tell me "Go away, dude! Flattops not allowed!"
Then they'd realize something, and all start to stare
My head was what was flat, and it wasn't my hair.

I have to admit I've never had much on top
And three hairs on my chest isn't much of a mop
Social Security gets closer with each passing day
A question: when I retire, do the pimples go away?

Some kids are cruel, they like to poke fun
"Your head's so shiny, thought it was the sun!"
I should tell 'em off, tell 'em the truth
But I let 'em go on being ignorant youth

You see, I've a theory, I think it's correct
You'll agree when you hear it, I hope and expect
Remember the cave man, all covered with hair?
Well look around all over, you'll find him nowhere.

Neanderthals lived many centuries ago
(From 7th grade science, I sat in the back row)
Darwin's evolution or God's Master Plan
Whatever it was, there's no hairy man.

No, through the ages, we've lost most of our hair
Surely there can be no argument there?
Hair was useful when the cold wind blew
Fig leaves for underwear were all that they knew.

We need less hair now since we've invented clothes
(Although I'd love less hair in my ears and my nose)
So, the only answer that can ever really matter
Us baldies are higher on the evolutionary ladder

Yep, balding guys like me are just farther along
And I dare anyone else to prove that I'm wrong.
There's something else that I'd like to be known:
Less hair equals more testosterone.

Something has just now come to me
That caveman up there is EATING THAT FLEA !!!
I'd sure like to know "Whazzup with that?"
Guess he learned that by watching a cat.

I bet he learned about fishing by watching a bear
The tiger taught him danger when approaching its lair
The lion taught him hunting, about catching its prey
(And I'd rather hunt through the night and sleep through the day)

Wolves made them climb trees, get up off the ground
Dogs as we know 'em were nowhere to be found
And I for one, am most mightily glad
And some of you folks...well, you probably are sad.

I'll tell you the reason, the argument why
I'm happy there were no dogs around for that primitive guy
You might think me crazy, think I'm totally nuts
I'm overjoyed we never learned to lick our own butts.