Full-Time Job

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.

He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said,

"I want a spectacular job - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Done!!" said the Genie,

"You're a housewife."

Waterloo

Today marks the day, 194 years ago, that Wellington defeated Napoleon's forces at Waterloo, shaping history to this day.

(one of the funniest things I ever read on a bathroom wall was "Waterloo: Where Napoleon pulled his Bonaparte.")



I could've posted a video in honor of the historical event, but decided on this one instead.



To my close friends who read this blog and know of whom I'm writing, the blonde in ABBA, Agnetha Fältskog, is a spittin' image of elle when she was about 17 yrs. old.

What Do You Get?

When you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?



Elephino!

ToTG is Closing!

Due to my having little time to spend on this blog, I regret to inform my faithful readers that I'm going to have to close this site.

Thanks to everyone and I appreciate all the posts and (almost all the) emails I have received.

Regards,
Mike



P.S.




Myspace April Fools Day Graphics

A Fortune Yarn

---

I can't sew very well, much less knit. I can only sew so-so and am not a neat knitter.

This fortune reminds me of something I saw on a bathroom wall. Someone had scribbled:

"My mother made me a homosexual."

Under that someone else had added:

"If I gave her the wool, would she make me one too?"

Happy Birthday, Christina!

Today is Christina Ricci's birthday, one of my favorite actresses. Even though she's not yet 30, Ms. Ricci has had a long career in movies, some of which are Mermaids, both Addams Family movies, Casper, Sleepy Hollow, Prozac Nation and Monster. She has taken on some very oddball movie roles.

She has an unusual beauty some would say, but I think she's gorgeous.

Wiki entry on Christina Ricci

I noticed it was also Arsenio Hall's birthday, but who cares about him? Not me, and apparently not many others. (well, I bet his momma does, but...)

Reminds me of a joke:

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Arsenio

Arsenio who?

That's show biz!

Work vs. Prison

I used to be involved in the soon-to-be defunct MSN Groups and a few years ago I saw a post in the main help group Community Feedback ( often referred to as Communist Feedbag) telling this joke.

IN PRISON.......
You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.......
You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......
You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........
You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......
You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK........
You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON.......
A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........
You must carry around a security card and
unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........
You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........
You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......
You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........
You have to share.

IN PRISON.......
They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........
You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......
All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......
You spend most of your life looking through bars from
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........
You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......
There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......
They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......
You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........
You get fired if you get caught.

I suppose the joke could've been funny if it wasn't so full of misconceptions and out-and-out lies. I had to rebut and eventually got banned. The poster said she was a nurse and also claimed she was a Christian.

Here's my first reply:

---

You might have a bit bigger space with your jail cell, but odds are you have to share it with at least one other person, sometimes even three others. Dorm type wards are of course larger, but try sharing your space with fifty other people, most of whom are murderers, rapists, etc.

You are not confined to your cubicle, either. You can get up and go to the bathroom, get a cup of coffee most any time you want at most jobs. You can even leave (tell them you're sick, quit, etc.) your cubicle if you like.

If you think it's sexual harrassment by someone telling you they think you smell nice, try being Bubba's girlfriend while you're sharing a cell with him.

There's no central air in most prisons, either...only in a few sections and they're never the places where the prisoners eat, sleep or congregate. In summer, the prisons are stifling hot with no air circulation, and bone numbing cold during winter. You don't get 800-count linen sheets, either, nor a nice comforter or quilt.

Prison is NEVER quiet. During the day there are a hundred radios and boomboxes playing a hundred different songs. People are yelling, screaming and the smells from the many men housed there is a miasma of stale sweat and other body excretions, plus the stench of despair and fear. At night it's not much better, with people arguing from cell to cell and the screams and cries from disturbed men's nightmares must be something such as will be found in Hell.

In prison, you don't always get three meals a day, unless you consider a sandwich a full meal. Breakfast is generally powdered eggs and a couple slices of toast and a styrofoam cup of bad, lukewarm coffee. You MIGHT get some sort of mystery meat. The food is NEVER good, even on Thanksgiving or Christmas when most institutions make a token effort at providing a decent meal.

You also have to worry about bugs in your food, or some guy who has taken a dislike to you spitting in your mashed potatoes (ALWAYS cheap "instant") or putting something else, such as broken glass, in your food.

If you are in solitary, or lockdown, sometimes you are served "the brick" which is a disgusting slumgullion of food shaped like a brick. It contains mostly starches and vegetable protein.

Inmates don't always get time off for good behavior; depending upon their crime, previous record and conduct in prison, they may have to serve their full sentence.

At least at work you don't have to submit to body searches at most every door and sometimes pulled aside for a cavity search. I'd prefer the security card and opening my own doors, thanks.

At work you mostly don't have to worry about the blind spots behind doors or stairwells where you can get stabbed or raped, either.

Most prisons, at least Texas prisons, don't allow individual television sets. You have to watch TV in a common room, and the majority rules. So, you can either watch what everyone else wants to watch, or not at all.

Games consist of card games and chess and checkers when the prison allows them. No Nintendo or Yahoo website games in prison.

Do you consider yourself to be a tolerant person? Not racially biased, i.e. "I've got LOTS of black (or whatever) friends!" you say? Well, in prison you will learn NOT to be. You'll join a gang and get some protection, or be alone, and be ganged up on by ALL.

Got a neat little butterfly tattoo on your ankle? Well, if you're a man in prison, and have to join a gang, such as the Aryan Nation, they'll insist you get marked where you show the entire population your loyalty. It will be done in some crude method, with inks made from any number of non-hygenic substances.

If you're lucky enough to have a single occupant cell you get your own toilet. Otherwise you share with your cellmates. There are no walls around the toilet, either, and no matter where you are in the cell, you're only a very few feet away from the toilet....and the person USING the toilet. Just get THAT picture in your head for a minute, huh?

Some prisoners don't like to use their toilets, as they're used as "coolers" to keep their sodas at something less than the ambient temperature.

After eight hours at work you can go home to your family and friends, unless of course you are forced to work a few more hours of overtime. Also, many prisons do not allow contact visits. How would you like to spend the years watching your children grow up and not even be able to hug or touch them, separated by a half inch of dirty Plexiglass?

Many inmates don't WANT their family to visit because it's always hard to have them for an hour, then have to wait a month or two before they see them again.

Most prisons allow a weekly phone call, but it has to be collect, and there's a time limit on your call as there are hundreds of other inmates standing in line behind you waiting to use the phone. Your calls are monitored, too. The necessary brevity of the call is probably a good thing, as the charges can be several dollars per minute.

"All expenses paid." That's not true; some states requre the prisoners to make restitution and the only way to do that is by working within the prison system. Also, any "extra" or "special" privileges can only be garnered by accepting work details. Many inmates volunteer for work details if for nothing else than to get some fresh air and sunshine. Some states "pay" their inmates for working, but minimum wage does not apply to them; sometimes the pay is only a few cents per hour.

How would you like to make a dollar or two a day for chopping cotton in the hot muggy Louisiana fields? I've never seen anyone standing over someone's cubicle with a loaded shotgun, ready to shoot to kill if you step out of your assigned area

It probably takes the taxes of ten people to pay for the cost of one person incarcerated. Many prisoners are in prison because of non-violent crimes, and while they are inside, their families suffer because the person is not able to contribute to their welfare...and many inmate's families are ON welfare.

Communities compete for the right to have a prison built in their town because of the money it will bring in, plus the jobs, but it's very rarely mentioned that their cost in social services goes up correspondingly because often the inmate's family will move to the nearest town to be closer to their loved one.

I know several people who are in prison because they went to bars, then drove while intoxicated. "Wanting to get out and go to bars" is really a motivator, isn't it? What a stupid joke.

This isn't the 1930's, and there are no sadistic wardens. True, there might be some sadistic guards, but at least the vetting process weeds most of those defective people out.

I do not let anyone, be they boss or not, to mistreat me. If I cannot get satisfaction via official channels, I either quit the job or go face-to-face w/ my supervisor.

Some prisons offer work training, and even fewer of those offer computer repair, etc. The computers are usually WAY out of date, and they DO NOT have internet access. Maybe in a minimum security prison, but only under strict supervision.

So, while I think that people who commit crimes mostly deserve what they got coming, I don't think it's good to joke about their "cushy life" in jail. Get busted in Maricopa County Arizona, and the sheriff there will house you in stifling tents set up in the blazing desert sun with dozens of other criminals and serve you sandwiches made with stale bread...and what you think is green lettuce between the slices of bread is either very old meat or spoiled cheese.

This just hit me wrong, and I'm sorry if you think it's funny, but I still don't.

---

After posting that, several people replied in a negative fashion, saying they deserve it, lots of people would love those "bricks", etc and so forth, ad nauseum. Here is my reply to them:

---

First of all, I'm not a bleeding heart liberal. I am a Christian, however, and perhaps that gives me a viewpoint that some of you do not possess.

I have a sense of humor, but it does not lend itself to pulling wings off of flies. Comparing an office job to being in prison is akin to comparing "abuses" at Gitmo to real torture.

Sure, there may be some people left in the Gulf region who might like that "brick", but people in prison don't have billions in aid and thousands of people coming to their rescue. That was a ludicrous point you made.

When it's the poor, the disadvantaged, the minorities that make up the majority of the ones who get convicted and sent to prison, then I suppose it's fair game to make fun of them. On the other hand, some people laugh at those with handicaps, such as those with clubfeet or those that stammer. No one says you have to be politically correct, but it's always people with no sensitivity at all who make jokes belittling those on a lesser social standing. It's simply another form of bigotry, that's all.

"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time." Who said that? Well, it became popular from the old tv show Baretta starring Robert Blake whom, if you will recall, recently was judged not guilty for a crime he most likely committed. If he'd been poor he'd be sitting in San Quentin right now.

Let me throw another old adage right back at you: "There but for the grace of God go I." (If you're an atheist you can substitute "luck" for "grace of God" and still understand what it means.) One can be convicted of crimes other than rape, robbery, drugs or murder, you know. People get sent to jail all the time for income tax evasion, lying to grand juries or for shooting intruders in their homes. There are journalists in jail right now for refusing to give up their sources.

When one person gets probation for a crime committed, and another gets ten years in the slammer for a similar crime, it's not hard to feel some sympathy for those incarcerated due to justice unequally applied. Not hard for "some of us" that is.

---

Ooops, I was a little too compassionate for them and was accused of being in prison, having been in prison, my momma was probably in prison (and those folks were not banned as I was) No rebuttal to my own, just ad hominen attacks.

Here's what got me the ax after I was told by the poster she was just going to ignore me from now on:

---

Ignore me if you like; your ilk usually does and ignores the truth while doing so.

No, never been in jail or prison, sorry. I'm wondering if you're telling the truth about your own work experience now as everyone I know who has worked in a prison has had their preconceptions altered. You also don't fit the image of someone who is a Christian, either. You sure don't practice it, not according to what you write.

The Bible says this in Matthew:

When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

Then the King will say to those on his right, "Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."

Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?"

The King will reply, I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Here's a prison joke you might like "How many guards does it take to push an inmate down the stairs?" Ans: "None, he fell." You might resemble resent that joke.

I just BET your patients got "good care." Compassion is supposed to be the keystone of both Christianity and Nursing (not to mention ANY decent person, no matter their beliefs), but maybe you weren't there the days they taught that in church and in school?

Never committed a crime? Well, good for you! I've always been leery of those who spoke most loudly of their "honor" though.

I never said criminals didn't deserve being in prison, only pointed out the idiocy of comparing prison with working in a cubicle.

Now that I'm done trading insults with you, you may go back to pulling wings off of flies.

---

I am SO glad MSN is doing away with their Groups. Maybe some of these people will just simply get off the 'net and never return.

Welcome to America!

A big red, white and blue welcome to Alison, my online bud Garazon's betrothed.

Over the last few days, I've been reading his posts in his blog as he counted down the hours unti Alison came over here for good. I've felt like a third-wheel...which I'm used to being...especially when Alison would reply to his public declarations of love for her. I'd post, but would feel like I was intruding!

Bless their hearts, they met several years ago, both of them having lost their spouses and developed their love affair even before they had even met. I know, from personal experience, that you CAN fall in love before even laying eyes on the other person...and actually, I think that might even be better than the proverbial "love at first sight" because you can get to know them without the added pressure of a possible physical affair. (sexual tension, guess it would be)

I had a very good friend I met online, and we developed something similar (I'd like to think) a long time before we ever met in person. My friend (let's call her....oh..."elle") elle and I knew that we had something special because of the thousands of emails and hours we spent chatting on IM.

We never really mentioned "that" until we had decided to meet. At first, I was going to fly to England and we were making plans. I don't know what made me say it (and I don't know why I say a LOT of things) but thinking about the physical part made me nervous and as I do many times, I made a joke out of it.

"Y'know...." I told her late one night while on messenger "It's been a LONG time for me."

"Me too." came the reply.

"It's been a REALLY LONG time." I typed, hoping she'd understand what I meant.

"Me too." came the quick answer.

Good, we were on the same page. I was blushing and there was no one there to see me. I was squirming in my chair, hoping I hadn't been too rude, too presumptious, but even my anxiety didn't stop me from cracking wise.

"It's been so long, honey....well, all I gotta say is you'd better have a mattress strapped to your back when you meet me at the airport."

As soon as I hit "Send" on that last bit, I regretted it. I bet I had crossed the line. I sat there, turning even a more deeper shade of crimson.

It wasn't but a few seconds until her reply came on the screen:

"You'd better be the first man off the plane."

Welcome to America, Alison! Home of hot dogs, apple pie and very bad jokes.

Acme Costume Co.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Vince, The Pack & Mrs. Olsen

I'm sure looking forward to the Packers/Cowboys game tonight. I hope the Pokes can beat 'em, and I think they will. (probably jinxed 'em, right there)

I thought it another one of those insignificant - but cool - coincidences that a day or so ago there was a Vince Lombardi quote on the Quote of the Day feed in the right-hand column. Lombardi was the coach of the Green Bay Packers and is considered to be one of the best football coaches of all time.

I had a coach for the first couple of years in h.s.; he hadn't been out of the Army for very long, had a wife and a young girl. He was fresh off his first coaching job, having some success, so his gung-ho atttitude was still fierce...but I think my home town drained him of a lot of it in the short time he was there.

Anyway...he was fond of Lombardi quotes and had them plastered all over the locker room, a few nicely printed out and framed in his office. There were a few I thought silly, such as

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."

What a crock. So self-serving...of course if your life is football, you'll defend it even with nonsensical "facts".

There were, however, a few that I've remembered all my life and thought them profound then and still do:

"Fatigue makes cowards of us all."

And "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity."

During my sophomore year I injured my knee and was out of practice for a game and a week's practice. My mom bought me Jerry Kramer's book, Instant Replay to read while I was recuperating. I admired Kramer; we played the same position, both of us were pulling guards, but I'll go to my death thinking he beat the snap on the winning touchdown in The Ice Bowl.

(4:27 on the video, it's certainly debatable, I'll admit)



My pop and this coach became good buddies, but that sure didn't curry me any favor with the coach. If anything, he seemed to go harder on me, almost more than I could bear. One time when I was at my breaking point, ready to quit the team crying, he told me "Mike, I wouldn't be so hard on you if I didn't think you had good potential." Looking at it from that perspective, I could see that he didn't spend nearly as much time (especially yelling time) with most of the other boys as he did with me. I think he realized that I was one of those guys who needed to be pushed, but also appreciated. I think most people are like that, actually.

I remember a time when we were playing basketball in Booker; I rode with my folks and we were early by quite a bit, even for my sister's game which came before mine. We rode around the tiny town for a while, then Dad saw the coach and got him to get in the car with us; we drove a couple of blocks away from the school to a burned-out house. Dad pointed at it and with a snicker told him:

"That's where last year's coach lived."

And now for my Green Bay Packers joke:

Mrs. Ollie Olsen, a Scandinavian immigrant to the U.S. was drawing attention because of her size, 6'8", 345 lbs. Reporters were interviewing her, asking her questions such as "Gee, Mrs. Olsen, how'd you get so big?"

"Ah, from eating dot gud Svedish cheese." she replied with a good-natured smile.

Another reporter yelled out: "You're big enough to play for the Green Bay Packers, Mrs. Olsen!"

Turning serious, she grimly replied:

"Nein, I play wid nobody's packer but Ollie's."

50 More P

Found this joke in a Joke of the Day feed I tested (and rejected) for this blog. Gotta love that Brit humour.

---

A man walked into a bar after just being dumped. The person serving at the time was a woman. She kept on giving him free drinks the whole night. When the bar had closed she went up to him and asked if he wanted to go upstairs for a quicky. He of course said yes and they went upstairs.

When they got there the women asked if he had any protection. He didn't have any and answered no. So she told him there was a chemist across the road and gave him £ 1.

When he got to the chemist there were a selection of condoms to choose from:

There was a tramp one for 50 p.
There was an apple flavoured one for £ 1.
And there was a metal one for £ 1.50.

As he only had one pound the man bought the apple flavoured one.

During the the night of fun the condom slipped and the lady got pregnant. The couple married and raised a son.

When he was 5 years old, he went up to his dad and cried: "Daddy why do I have green arms? This is not fair."

To this the dad replied: "I would count yourself lucky my son. If I would have had an extra 50 p you would have been Robo-Cop"

---

At the current exchange rates, 50 pence is about a quarter.

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Two Ways to Look at Everything

Another from the archives:

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Word!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

This Ain't No Bull

A US citizen stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,

"What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American said, "Oh yeah, sounds good... bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull, he wins."

Big Blooming Buds

This reminds me of the man-eating flower in "Little Shop of Horrors".

The old one with Jack Nicholson, not the new one with Steve Martin.

Two Jackasses

Watching another take their photograph

Horse Pens
West of city limits
Pampa, Texas

Spanish Skirts

(click any photo for larger view)

Palo Duro Canyon has some interesting formations; the canyon walls show the different levels of sedimentary rock laid down over millions of years. They are Nature's patchwork quilt in lovely colors; various shades of vivid reds and purples, yellows and whites.

When the Spanish conquistadors first rode through here in the late 1500's, they noticed the beautiful formations and named them "Spanish Skirts" because it reminded them of a senorita's gloriously gaily- striped dress.

I'm sure it's the difference in culture, but to me they look like fancy stretch pants from Lane Bryant, but what do I know?

I also wonder what they thought of... and named ... this particular formation?

"Just mosey on down the road, stranger"

Cool sign on the outskirts of Miami, Texas. I know the people who own it. If you want to steal it, please remember that nearly everyone here in Texas owns a gun or two or ten or twenty or more.

This is better than one of those doormats that say the same thing. No need to be subtle if you actually feel that way. Me, I just keep a cap on at all times. If someone comes to the door I want to see, I take it off and wave them in with it "Just got home, c'mon in!" and if it's someone I DON'T want to see, I tip my hat and say "Sorry! Just leaving!".

I'd really like one of those doormats, though. Just a suggestion, Christmas isn't far off y'know.

At the risk of making an asp of myself...

I will post yet another ubiquitous snake warning sign.



On the fence at the entrance to the Miami, Texas town cemetery.

For All You Liberals

Here's Bush & Cheney