Tea Poll

I just participated in this poll on one of my sample sites.

(Click graphic for larger view)

I sat my cup of hot, strong, black tea down and clicked "No."

J/K I love a good cuppa. 

Did you hear about the Indian chief who drank a hundred cups of hot tea?

They found him dead the next morning, drowned in his tea pee.

OK, that's old and I'm sure I've told it before on this blog, but I still find it amusing.

I wonder who has never had a cup of hot tea?  Gotta be a Mormon, reckon?

Don't Get Yourself in a Pickle!

A "bump" from Nov. '08.  No one commented, so perhaps no one or not many saw it. Unlike many of my stories, this is a true one.

Besides, I needed a post for today and just couldn't get enthused enough to work one up.

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“There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”
- Will Rogers

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It was a Senior Work Day, and we boys were working on a Saturday, making some money for our class trip after graduation. We castrated pigs that morning, then after lunch we were instructed to move some irrigation pipe. Someone noticed an electric fence on a nearby pasture and the question was raised:

"Say, you ever pee on an electric fence?" Out of the six of us, four admitted they had and another boy and I were the only ones to admit to have not having had the experience.

"Do it!" the four urged me and the other guy. I shook my head, having been around electric fences before and not liking how the shock went through me where I had made contact with the fence after not seeing it and then accidentally walking into it. The shock was bad enough on my thighs, the thought of having "it" shocked wasn't appealing to me, not at all.

The taunts went on, but I didn't care because those words didn't hurt nearly as much as electricity. Maybe I was the only one who had been awake in eighth grade science when we learned about electricity and in particular how salt water can be a circuit and conduct current. For one experiment, we used a pickle to complete a circuit; it glowed inside and crackled like an old pool hall beer sign.



Nope, no need for me to electrify MY little dill.

The other guy was challenged by the sneers from the rest and with a show of bravado, marched over to the fence, unzipped and after a few moments of potty blush, began to urinate on the charged wire.

While others claimed to have seen a spark, I must have been in the wrong position, but I did see the guy's knees buckle, then straighten up to launch him into the air and land backwards into a muddy ditch.

It took him a while to recover, then he became angry at our laughter and turned his rage upon me.

"Your turn!" he commanded.

With tears in my eyes from laughing so hard, I declined again. "MY momma didn't raise no fool." I told him, which made him even angrier.

"You're the only one who hasn't done it!" he said. "We'll make you!" he went on, looking around at the other boys for allies.

One by one, the others shook their heads, saying they really HADN'T ever peed on a fence, just wanted to see if someone would do it.

This set the guy off and in a profanity-laden tirade, accused them of being liars.

"Better that than a dumbass." was the reply.

Puss Pee Poster

Cat urine glows under a black light.

I wonder if they use it as ink for college dorm room posters?

Talking While Intoxicated

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

Kitty Pee

Cat urine glows under a black light.

And it stinks with or without any type of light.

Can You Hold It?

Originally published May 27, 2009.

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." - Alfred Hitchcock

I saw that quote earlier and it reminded me of this post; I did a quick search and found it and this and several other posts came up in the results.  I hadn't realized there were so many "pee+movies" posts...just goes to show you the basic substance of this blog.

I checked the site and it looks like they've done away with their listings on their site, instead going to apps for phones and PC. 

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I bet everyone has had this problem; you're at a movie you've been wanting to see for a long time and thanks to the tanker car-sized drink you bought to wash down your popcorn, you find yourself needing to go pee.

Before you go to the movie and then have to" go", go to the website RunPee.com. Find the movie you're going to go see and they'll tell you the best time in the movie to make your pee run, missing only those scenes that are not integral to the storyline. They'll be quite specific, giving you the time and a description of the scene that will be your cue to head for the potty.

A nifty feature of the site is how they won't reveal any "spoilers", instead scrambling the part you missed; click a button to reveal a short synopsis of the scenes that are going on while you'll be gone.

It's a new website, so not all movies are indexed, but they do have a decent listing of older movies...although, if you've rented the vid, you could just hit the "Pause" button, couldn't you?

And I Make Your Pee Stink

You Are Broccoli

You are down to earth and practical. You go for whatever is tried and true. You tend to be a bit cautious, but you're not as boring as people think. There's a little room for spice in your life. You are very healthy, and you take good care of yourself. You do your best to make good choices. You are reliable and stable. You may not be the hottest thing, but people come back to you over and over again.

What Vegetable Are You?

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Not sure about being very healthy or taking good care of myself or even making good choices, but I think most of the rest holds true.  Well, maybe not reliable and stable, either, but I DO like broccoli.

The one problem with it is it's on the list of foods to avoid if you're prone to kidney stones...but I don't pay a lot of attention to that list.  Then again, when I'm in the throes of agony from a stone, I always regret not paying attention to the list.

Oddly enough, a good online friend of mine and I were talking about vegetables earlier today on Facebook after she had posted a cauliflower recipe.  Cauliflower isn't in the results, but I wouldn't have minded being that vegetable, either.  After looking at all the possible results, I'm surprised I wasn't a mushroom.

Why?  Well, because I'm usually in the dark and people feed me crap all the time.

From A to Pee

How much liquid does the human bladder hold?

If you were to ask most women, the answer would probably be "Not enough!" Seriously, the bladder in humans and other mammals is an extremely elastic and expandable muscular sac. The average adult can comfortably hold up to about one-third quart of urine. More urine causes the bladder to become distended and uncomfortable. Each individual is different, of course, so there are wide variations in urine capacity.

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It had been a while since I had done trivia and I couldn't remember if I had already posted this one, so I did a quick search. I hadn't, but was surprised that there were quite a few more pee posts.

I'm not really fond of bodily function humor, but one of the earliest jokes I ever remember was my momma saying "Just call me Peepee...I'm all urine." That was funny when I was about ten or so. I guess it still is. It's much funnier than the other similar joke I heard around the same time; counting off: "You're a five, You're a six, you're a seven, you're..."

That's about all the jokes I know about peeing, although when it was raining heavily my dad would say "It's coming down like a cow peein' on a flat rock."  It also reminds me of talking about the differences between men and women with an old girlfriend and she said women can do anything a man can do PLUS have babies.  I told her they couldn't write their names in the snow. 

The next time it snowed I reminded her about her boast and in just a few minutes, she proved me wrong.  Her "writing" wasn't as neat as mine, but to give her credit, it was legible.   It was also hilarious to see.

Oh, there's one more peeing joke I had forgotten.  It's been around as long as I can remember.  The first time I heard it, it had Richard Nixon in it, so that should tell you how old it is.  I'll update it to be current.

One snowy Washington DC morning, President Obama woke up and saw "Obama sucks!" written in the snow on the White House lawn.  He was so enraged, he got the FBI on the case, taking evidence to find out who was the culprit.  A few hours later, they came back to him with the report.

"We hate to have to tell you this...." said the FBI agent.  "Tell me!" commanded the President. "Well, we ran tests and it turns out it's Joe Biden's DNA."  Furious, the President glared at him.  "We have even more bad news, Mr. President." the FBI agent continued.  "What could be worse than having my Vice-President mock me?" asked the President.  "Well..." stammered the FBI man.  "It was in Michelle's handwriting."

OK, enough horrible jokes.  I'm sure they're pushing the G-rated classification of this blog as it is.    I'll just close with this admission:

I suffer from Paruresis.

A Slice of Life

Quite a few years ago, I was roughnecking for one of my best friends. Besides me and the driller, the rest of the crew consisted of my friend's brother-in-law and a guy who I knew, but not very well. I knew his family, though, because his dad had worked for my grandfather in the oil field.   For the life of me, I can't remember the guy's name...but that's not important for this story.  I'm sure he would want to remain anonymous and I can't say as I'd blame him.

We worked nights - morning tour (pronounced "tower") and on the way home, the guy, like many of the guys I worked with, liked to drink beer.  Before you gag, remember that night shift workers have their days turned around and 7:00 a.m. is like 5:00 p.m. to everyone else.   I've never been much of a drinker and especially when I worked that shift.  Drinking upsets my sleep and it's hard enough getting rest during the day, what with the usual daytime noises.

The guy whose family I knew liked to drink any chance he got, though, and that morning when he cracked open his first beer I got the impression that he had started drinking even before the shift was over. (really stupid thing to do on a drilling rig - they're dangerous places to work even when you have all your senses about you)  By the time we dropped him off, he was sloshing drunk.  We watched him stagger up the sidewalk to his front door and as we drove off, made wisecracks about his wife being angry with him and hoping he wouldn't have a hangover that night at work.

The day passed, I got what rest I could trying to sleep during the day and when my boss picked me up, we headed straight on to work without picking up the guy.  I asked where he was and was told his wife had called and said he couldn't make it, that earlier he had suffered an accident at home and had been forced to go to the emergency room.

We guessed at what had happened - his wife had hit him with a frying pan when he came in drunk, he had slipped in the shower or maybe he had continued his drinking when he got home and was just too drunk to go to work and the ER story was just an excuse to keep from being fired.  Even though we were short-handed, we thankfully got through the shift without too much trouble.  Another day went by and it was time to go to work again. This time, however, the guy was ready to go to work and on the way to the rig, told us why he had missed the previous night.

"I was really drunk when I got home." he started his story with an obvious fact.  "My old lady woke up when I fell down in the living room and gave me hell for a while." (That was something else we had figured would happen, duh.) He went on: "I really needed to pee, so I went into the bathroom and started peein' like a Russian racehorse when I noticed a loose thread hanging from my fly.  I pulled on the thread but it wouldn't come loose.  There was a piece of broken mirror on the toilet lid (probably the result of a previous drunken episode, I thought) so I picked up the jagged glass and slashed at the thread."

Get the picture?  Do I need to spell it out for you?  I don't think I will.  When we got out to the rig and started changing clothes, he showed us his injury.  It was close to the top of "it" and had required 27 stitches to close. 

Made me cringe then, makes me cringe now.  There's a moral to the story, but you can supply your own, I'd wager.

I quit that job after a while, then a few months later I came back to work for my friend.  In that time, the guy had also quit and and had also come back to work on the rig, but on a different shift.  We passed by an ambulance on the way to work and nervously hoped it wasn't coming from our rig....but it was.  The injured party was the same guy!  He had to go up in the derrick and must have been semi-drunk when he did because he forgot to put on his safety belt and fell out.  He slowed his fall some by grabbing onto a cable but still hit hard enough to break several bones.  That was lucky - in a way - but even though he didn't hit as hard as he could have, he landed a-straddle the drawworks guard.  He managed to avoid crushing "anything important", but he was split from his rectum to nearly his belly button.  That makes me cringe even worse than thinking about his other injury.

That's not really funny, not unless you have a sadistic sense of humor.  Maybe I do have a sadistic sense of humor because it reminds me of an old joke:

Johnny's mother sent him to the store for a loaf of bread.  He was walking home, the loaf of bread under one arm and the hand of his free arm stuck deep in his pocket, when he bumped into the pastor of his church.

"Afternoon, Johnny!" said the preacher. "I see you have the staff of life in one hand;  what do you have in the other?"

"Oh," sheepishly replied Johnny. "That's a loaf of bread."

orthoepy

orthoepy\ awr-THOH-uh-pee \ , noun;
1. The study of correct pronunciation.
2. The study of the relationship between the pronunciation of words and their orthography.

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This is something I should study before old-timers Alzheimer's disease sets in.

Back to the Future III Weird Scene

This has been floating around the 'net for quite some time - probably since the movie came out - but all the movies are on tonight and reminded me of it.

In a scene at the end, one of Doc's kids makes a weird gesture; to be honest, I never noticed it until it was pointed out in a video much like the following.



I really think the kid was trying to tell his mother or the director off-camera that he needed to pee.

Why do dogs pee on hydrants?

Via Bits & Pieces

Why do dogs pee on hydrants?:

Dogs—like all other canids—leave urine conspicuously splashed on all manner of object. Urine marking, as this method of communication is called, conveys a message. Every dog owner is familiar with the raised-leg marking of fire hydrants, lampposts, trees, bushes. Most marked spots are high or prominent: better to be seen, and better for the odor to be smelled.

From observations of the behavior of sniffing dogs, it appears that the chemicals in the urine give information about, for females, sexual readiness, and for males, their social confidence. The prevailing myth is that the message is “this is mine,” that dogs urinate to “mark territory.” But research has failed to bear this out as the exclusive, or even predominant, use of urine marking. Instead, marking seems to leave information about who the urinator is, how often he walks by this spot, his recent victories, and his interest in mating. In this way, the invisible pile of scents on the hydrant becomes a community bulletin board, with old, deteriorating announcements and requests peeking out from underneath more recent posts.

Read more about a dogs world.

via

An Old Man's Vision

An old man went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called the man's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

His wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

What is Old?

From the email archives

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What is Old?

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by... The doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Strange Laws

From the email archives:

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* In Alabama, prison guards are forbidden from referring to their spouses as "the old ball 'n' chain."

* In Los Angeles, it's illegal for a waiter to tell a customer "I'm really an actor."

* In Indiana, it's against the law to dress "Barbie" in "Ken's" clothes.

* In Sedona, Ariz., it's illegal to lie about your astrological sign.

* In Texas, it's illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.

* In Samoa, it's a crime to forget your wife's birthday.

* In Australia, it's illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.

* In Cannes, France, it's illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.

* In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" by saying, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" is an automatic $300 fine.

* In Kentucky, it's illegal to paint your lawn red.

* In Portugal, it's against the law to pee in the ocean.

* In Connecticut, night watchmen are forbidden from drinking decaf coffee while working.

* In Vermont, it's illegal to pick your nose and stick the pickings under a table.

* In Tennessee, it's illegal to tell someone to quit smoking.

* In Oregon, donut holes must be at least an 1/8th inch in diameter.

* In Georgia, it's illegal to teach a child under 5 the words "penis" and "vagina."

* Unmarried women are not allowed to buy edible panties in South Carolina.

* In Italy, anyone considered "obese" is forbidden from wearing polyester.

* It's illegal to tear a phone book in half in Montana.

* Anyone caught selling a "smoothie" that has lumps is breaking the law in California.

* In Arkansas, it's illegal for a woman getting married for the second time to wear a white wedding gown.

* In Pennsylvania, it's against the law to put a dollar on a string on the ground and yank it when someone tries to pick it up.

* In New York City, it's illegal for a restaurant to call it a "corned beef sandwich" if it's made with white bread and mayonnaise.

There's No "P" in Tom Hanks

From Mental Floss:

Micturition plays a role in nearly every film Tom Hanks has ever made. He either pees, talks about peeing, or makes some reference to peeing. Match the numbered scenes on the left with the blanks next to the films on the right. And who knows? And hey, if you're a whiz at this matchup, then you're in luck - you can be number one and make a big splash!

I took the test and it's obvious I know my Tom Hanks movies...or pee, either one.

Texas Heritage Trails

From the website:

The Texas You Will Remember!

Big Region! Big History! Big Fun!

The Texas Plains Trail Region is a wonderfully warm place to make your holiday memories. Our communities are filled with old-fashioned ways to celebrate this season with your family. Our region offers lots of quaint shops to find that special gift and Christmas celebrations that are sure to bring a smile. Check out the events calendar to plan an outing that will be remembered forever.

I believe I had come across this site before, searching for links about the Panhandle area, but today noticed a hit from the website on one of the "Cast Away" posts. The webmaster has been good enough to include this blog on their Movies in the Plains Region page.

We're gettin' famous here, folks...although, face it, we're a Pee Wee Herman blog in a Robert Redford universe.

Hot practices, Bucks and fawns

Great article on h.s. football on Amarillo.com today.

It mentions my alma mater and speaks highly of the football field. I tried to leave a comment, but it's either been rejected (the story of my online life) or hasn't been approved yet.

I believe I've mentioned it before (and I did in my comment at the website), but the field wasn't nearly as nice when I was playing as it is today. There were so many sticker patches, we named it "Goathead Bowl". Back then, coaches thought going without water would make us stronger (duh, we weren't camels, fer cryin' out loud) and would give us only one water break for a three/four hour practice.

"Drink water, you'll just have to stop and pee it out!" they'd bellow at us.

So many times, when a water break was called, we would all rush over to the irrigation pipe, turn it on and start gulping down water only to have a salamander (or two or three) crawl out (of the hose, not our mouths) after slaking our thirst.

We finally learned to let it run for a while and shake the hose to rid it of any amphibians. I don't remember any "Ewwww"s being said, as most of us boys had quenched our thirst several times in horse troughs/cattle tanks...just pushed away the scum on top and drank our fill.

Goat Cussin'

Went to the horse lots today to see how the animals were doing; I had heard there had been a fire out there and I was concerned about some of my favorites. I didn't see Jack the Mule, but an old pal was standing out in the road as I was leaving. Somehow he knew I was in the vicinity and I *might* just have an apple for him. (and I did!) I call him "Beezlebub" because he looks satanic, but he's really pretty sweet. For a goat, that is.

He really doesn't smell very good, but then again, none of them do, esp. the billys. (they pee on their whiskers) He held still long enough for me to get a video of him. I greeted him with the normal Texas salutation, one with an obscenity. He replied in kind.

I'm Milking These Goats

Uh, milking these goat photos, should say, for all they're worth, anyway.

Here's another shot, very similar to another one of the same goat.



But, I HAVE milked a goat. We had goats when I was growing up; oh, not a lot of 'em, but my dad (as he was prone to do) did some trading for a few of them. I think he had some sort of vision of being a goat rancher, or maybe he was just drunk as a skunk when he traded for them. We did have a nanny and I milked her for my dad's now-and-then glass of raw goat milk. Gag. My show pig and the cats and dogs we always had got the most of it until the nanny had a kid.

I remember it well; I had just turned 16, got my driver's license and a beat up '62 Pontiac Tempest (similar to a Corvair) for fifty bucks. Me 'n Dad had worked on that thing for quite a while, overhauling the tranny and fixin' some cancer spots on it and painting it back to the surprisingly lovely original maroon color. All-in-all, it was a pretty good job, considerin' it had all been done in the garage.

Then we got the goats.

Goats, as you may or may not know, are climbers, and they shunned all of our other vehicles in order to perch on top of my new/used car. Of course, the paint job went to hell under their cloven hoofs, and no matter what I did to them -- siccin' the dog on 'em, runnin' out and yellin' at them or even pepperin' 'em with my trusty childhood Daisy BB gun did the trick and kept them off the top of my precious little car.

The little female goats were pretty sweet, other than the fact that they enjoyed using my Pontiac as a substitute for a rocky craig. The billy, though...he was a piece of work. I do not know why male goats do this, but he was like all the others I've seen or heard about, and liked to pee on his whiskers and consequently stunk to high heaven. It's supposed to be an attraction to female goats, but I'm not for sure that it'd work on human girls.

I got the pressure to reach MY chin, but I can't grow a beard anyway, so.....

That goat sure tasted good though, later that summer, barbequed for several hours over hot coals in a pit I gladly helped dig in an empty spot out in the garden. This came about when, after Dad had bought a nice, but used Chrysler, the goats found it to be a better vantage point than my car. The female goats escaped the billy's fate, being traded to some Mexican for an old Dodge pickup. Come to think of it, they probably wound up in tamales anyway.

Bet they were good.

(this is basically the text of an email I sent to my friend Barb after she sent me some photos of her own new goats. I had to clean it up to post it here.)