I had been driving for a couple of hours and had consumed about two liters of water. Do I need to draw you a picture? Something had to be done. Quickly.
I went down a deserted road on the outskirts of town and pulled off behind a small stand of mesquite trees and got out. I had no more got started when I heard a deep voice say:
"Y'know, if you were in the city limits that'd be indecent exposure, I'm only eight years old...yuk yuk yuk."
I turned around and saw THIS!
Frightened, I staggered backwards against my truck.
"Better zip 'er up there, Wilbur." said the horse with an insultive nicker.
"Uh, wasn't quite done here, pal." I retorted.
Quicker than you could flick your tail came the rejoinder:
"Potty blush?" smirked the wise-cracking horse.
"OK Bashful...I'll turn my head, water that yucca while yer at it."
We chatted a while, then I told him I wanted to take some photos of him for my friend Barb who loves horses. He agreed, but then did some bad accents "N' Ham-shya", some snide cracks about Yankee liberals being the real horse's as...well, let's just say he was smarmy. Totally uncalled for.
He then started out on some darned life history thing, frankly it was quite boring and really unbelieveable, some blathering boasts about "Apaloosa/Arabian blood", quarterhorse this, quarterhorse that and some BS about a great great great grandfather coming in second at the Preakness, but you know... I've heard it all on the 'net, and besides, I know how Texans are about braggin', especially when he started talkin' smack about being bigger/ better/stronger/faster and much much prettier than Trigger or Silver.
I asked him if he was that rare Polka-Dot breed but he ignored me.
"Say," asked the horse. "Heard any good horse jokes lately?"
I'm clever and quick-witted, too.
"Well..."I said "A horse walks into a bar..."
" 'Why the long face?' " came the rude interruption.
He kept rubbin' it in:
" Yeah, first time I heard THAT one I was a colt, sheesh."
He snickered and stuck out his tongue. Like I said, rude.
"Heard this one?" he asked.
"A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I’m gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain’t outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, 'I had to walk home.' "
"No." I told him "Wished the hell I hadn't heard it, either."
Nonplussed and with a few shakes of his ears and a swish of his tail to shoo the flies, he went on in rapid fire:
What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
*****
What did one horse say to the other horse?
The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.
*****
What are the only animals to sleep with their shoes on?
A horse, of course!
*****
How many horses have three legs?
They all do!
*****
What breeds of horses can jump higher than a house?
All breeds. Houses don't jump.
*****
A man rode into town on June 3rd, stayed a week, and rode out on June 3rd. How is this possible?
His horse's name was June 3rd.
*****
How do you make a small fortune in the horse industry?
Start with a large fortune.
*****
What animal has more "hands" than feet?
Why, a horse, of course!
*****
What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A tale of WHOA!
*****
How long should a horse's legs be?
Long enough to reach the ground.
*****
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
*****
Where do horses stay in a hotel?
In the bridle suite.
*****
What did the waiter say to the horse?
I can't take your order. That's not my stable.
*****
What's the quickest way to mail a little horse?
Use the Pony Express.
Seriously, they weren't all that funny to ME, but he sure was laughin' at his own dumb jokes.
"Henny Youngman you ain't." I snorted.
I kept on the attack.
"What's with the peculiar laugh? Or is that your 'braying jackass' imitation?"
"Keep your day job." I advised.
And once again, he was rude.
Sorry, but I just don't get that sort of comedy.
I went down a deserted road on the outskirts of town and pulled off behind a small stand of mesquite trees and got out. I had no more got started when I heard a deep voice say:
"Y'know, if you were in the city limits that'd be indecent exposure, I'm only eight years old...yuk yuk yuk."
I turned around and saw THIS!
Frightened, I staggered backwards against my truck.
"Better zip 'er up there, Wilbur." said the horse with an insultive nicker.
"Uh, wasn't quite done here, pal." I retorted.
Quicker than you could flick your tail came the rejoinder:
"Potty blush?" smirked the wise-cracking horse.
"OK Bashful...I'll turn my head, water that yucca while yer at it."
We chatted a while, then I told him I wanted to take some photos of him for my friend Barb who loves horses. He agreed, but then did some bad accents "N' Ham-shya", some snide cracks about Yankee liberals being the real horse's as...well, let's just say he was smarmy. Totally uncalled for.
He then started out on some darned life history thing, frankly it was quite boring and really unbelieveable, some blathering boasts about "Apaloosa/Arabian blood", quarterhorse this, quarterhorse that and some BS about a great great great grandfather coming in second at the Preakness, but you know... I've heard it all on the 'net, and besides, I know how Texans are about braggin', especially when he started talkin' smack about being bigger/ better/stronger/faster and much much prettier than Trigger or Silver.
I asked him if he was that rare Polka-Dot breed but he ignored me.
"Say," asked the horse. "Heard any good horse jokes lately?"
I'm clever and quick-witted, too.
"Well..."I said "A horse walks into a bar..."
" 'Why the long face?' " came the rude interruption.
He kept rubbin' it in:
" Yeah, first time I heard THAT one I was a colt, sheesh."
He snickered and stuck out his tongue. Like I said, rude.
"Heard this one?" he asked.
"A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I’m gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain’t outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, 'I had to walk home.' "
"No." I told him "Wished the hell I hadn't heard it, either."
Nonplussed and with a few shakes of his ears and a swish of his tail to shoo the flies, he went on in rapid fire:
What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
*****
What did one horse say to the other horse?
The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.
*****
What are the only animals to sleep with their shoes on?
A horse, of course!
*****
How many horses have three legs?
They all do!
*****
What breeds of horses can jump higher than a house?
All breeds. Houses don't jump.
*****
A man rode into town on June 3rd, stayed a week, and rode out on June 3rd. How is this possible?
His horse's name was June 3rd.
*****
How do you make a small fortune in the horse industry?
Start with a large fortune.
*****
What animal has more "hands" than feet?
Why, a horse, of course!
*****
What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A tale of WHOA!
*****
How long should a horse's legs be?
Long enough to reach the ground.
*****
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
*****
Where do horses stay in a hotel?
In the bridle suite.
*****
What did the waiter say to the horse?
I can't take your order. That's not my stable.
*****
What's the quickest way to mail a little horse?
Use the Pony Express.
Seriously, they weren't all that funny to ME, but he sure was laughin' at his own dumb jokes.
"Henny Youngman you ain't." I snorted.
I kept on the attack.
"What's with the peculiar laugh? Or is that your 'braying jackass' imitation?"
"Keep your day job." I advised.
And once again, he was rude.
Sorry, but I just don't get that sort of comedy.
7 comments:
Cute story and pretty nice looking horse too, even if he didn't have any manners. I'm gonna share all those horse jokes with Beanin, she's gonna love 'em.
This was a good ol' horse, and I guessed at his age; I'm prob. off by a few years, I expect he's older than eight, but I don't know.
Some of those mistreated horses out at our horse lot here in town were fairly young, but look really old because they were malnourished. The other horses in the other post certainly weren't and neither was this guy.
He sure was a stinker, though. I can just imagine how hot it feels to an animal and I had sweat beads constantly puddling atop my balding dome.
He really was friendly, and I think he was used to getting treats because he turned up his nose at the offerings of grass I pulled up for him.
You said something in another post about "people horses" and I think the two I posted today are that type.
My buddy who lives across the road *might* own this horse, but will have to ask him next time I'm down there. In his main pasture, there were three bbls. set up for his daughter, a champion bbl rider, and I saw two lovely horses, one a beautiful paint...bet that was the bbl. horse. I'll take some photos of them the next time I'm there.
I like taking these photos because I know at least ONE person will look at them and enjoy. Otherwise it's horny toads and stop signs and fuzzy flower pics. -grin-
Thanks for posting!
I love grey horses. My first horse "crush" was a gray horse at the riding stables where I learned how to ride and tack and muck. I cryed when they sold her.
By the looks of this one's teeth he's not too old. He's showing a canine tooth. Not all horses get those but if they do they come in around 5 years. His is well in. The angel of his inscisors is still fairly vertical; the teeth haven't started to lengthen and the coresponding angle hasn't begone to drop. I bet you are pretty on the mark quessing 8.
He had a lot of personality, as you can see by the pictures. I'm sure the "grin" was prob. from accidentally swallowing a fly or gnat. LOL Still, he really liked me talking to him, and he would almost "pose" for me, standing still when I would talk in low tones to him.
When I said I thought he might be older, it was after I had looked at his teeth a little closer; I didn't know what I was looking for and how much wear is basic for a certain age, but I thought he is at least eight yrs. old, just a guess.
I'm better at hog's weight.
LOL too funny - love the commentaries Mike! Awesome that the horse played right into them LOL
Thanks Neenee, this one was a lot of fun to do and think up ; I knew Barb would look at any post w/ ponies in it. -grin-
I plan on going and getting some more mule shots tomorrow, will have to go get them some treats, apples and carrots. This month is already gone and I don't have any candidates for MothM (mule of the month)
Very clever writing to go with those photos you got. You are talented.
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