Incest to the Test

No, not anything to do w/ "My Sister's Feet". I'm sure this title will bring the weirdos outta the woodwork when Google indexes this post.

A couple of years ago, I signed up for the Yahoo Personals, a matchmaking service. It was frustrating not being able to contact my matches with the free version, so I paid for a six months subscription.

I didn't have much luck, to put it mildly. I got a few dozen replies and even had an email relationship with a few of the women. I had written in my profile I wanted to take it slow and know from personal experience that it's not hard to get to know someone even if I've not met them in person. (People's words say so much about them, you see.) Some of the email relationships didn't last long; a couple of my matches weren't satisfied with my cautious attitude and wanted to meet without getting to know each other first.

That wasn't what I wanted, not by a long shot. I truly believe that appearances aren't all that important. (I certainly wanted my matches to feel that way!)

I had one woman tell me straight out "I need it, I need it BAD." I'm not put-off by agressive women, and perhaps a sex-starved woman might be the ideal match for SOME men, but not for me. To say something like that to a total stranger goes way beyond the pale, wouldn't you agree? I hope that woman is all right today, and didn't get strangled by the Texas version of Jack the Ripper.

(What would one take to a first meeting with a woman such as that? Flowers, candy or a pail of water? Certainly one would want to take condoms, the thickest they make)

(and besides that, hooking up with a nymphomaniac would be, IMHO, just like owning a bar; it'd be fun for a little while....)

A couple of others must have not read my profile because they asked me if I smoked (it was on my profile) and when I told them I did, told me that wasn't acceptable and one even said "You'll just have to quit, then." I wanted to meet her just so I could have a pipe, a cigar and a cigarette crammed in my mouth and then could blow smoke in her face.

Another woman and I exchanged emails for several weeks and I thought everything was going A-OK. I was to the point where I thought I might like to meet her in person. Things fell apart when the topic of one mail was "What do you like to read?" She said she read her Bible (a good thing!) but when I mentioned that I loved the Harry Potter series...well, all of a sudden I was the Anti-Christ. Sheesh.

I had signed up for weekly notifications, and I knew the end of this experiment was near when I was matched up with a woman I had dated several years ago; we had a very rocky relationship and my family didn't like her, my friends didn't like her and to be honest, I really didn't like her much. It was by far the worst relationship I have ever been in.

(her profile was full of lies; her age, her natural hair color and how many times she had been married. I understood her lies about her own disposition because any sane man would've run from the truth.)

So, when the six months subscription was over, I figured it certainly wasn't worth another $79.95 to match up with nutjobs, nymphos and holier-than-thou religious wackos.

If I want to get beat-up, I'll just go to a biker bar, walk in and loudly say "Harley-Davidson? Ain't that some kinda Japanese motor-sicle?"

For some reason ( I guess I was bored ) I recently put up another profile, but kept getting it rejected. (I wasn't descriptive enough for the service, go figger) I did, however, get the email with my first match.

It was my cousin.

I've deleted my profile.